11 Gay Men Tell Their Horrible Gay Dating Stories

 

 

Look, dating is hard for everybody, especially gay guys. There aren’t very many of us to begin with (contrary to popular belief), and we’re notoriously picky. Not only that, some of us can be just plain weird at times.

We’ve all had a horrible dating experience, but these Reddit users and their stories take the cake. From witches summoning dragons to cause earthquakes to crazy sweater-stealing exes, there’s plenty of gay dating horror stories to get into below. Are you ready to feel better about your dating situation?

“Didn’t Know What Hermes Was”

The guy was wearing an Hermes belt, the one with the big H on it. At the time I knew nothing about fashion or what Hermes was, so I asked what the H stood for. He scoffed at that, said “I don’t think this is going to work out” and then straight up left.

He was right though, it probably wasn’t going to ever work out.

“He Wasn’t a Fan of Mutants”

Back during the dark ages of online dating – here I am thinking gay.com – I met up with a guy to spend some time in my town. We went downtown, to the mall, and I suggested a movie. We glanced into the the theater. I saw this one listing … called “Hills”. Turns out, it was The Hills Have Eyes.

The nuclear mutants eating people did not bother me so much. Until they started eating the baby while violating the mother and the daughter simultaneously. I became lightheaded, and recognized that I was about to pass out from the sudden anxiety and adrenaline. I had to sit Indian style in the hallway, breathe deeply, and I broke out in a cold sweat. The manager inquried if I was okay, I said it was just nerves and it would eventually pass. They took pity on me, giving me a free ticket. My date took pity on me, consoling me and asking me if I was ok (mind you I am like 6’2” football player , he was like 5’10”).

Needless to say, I was humiliated. The moral of the story? Dunno. I still got laid.

“Third Wheel, Much?”

About 8 years ago I met a guy online. We decided to meet for lunch. He brought a female friend and proceeded to spend the date talking to her and practically ignoring me. She seemed as uncomfortable as me. Very strange.

“Things Escalated Quickly”

A girl in my apartment building set me up on a date with one of her coworkers. We met up for drinks and about 5 minutes in he told me he invited a couple friends friends. Over the next half hour about a dozen people joined our group and the guy spent the night hanging out with them.

“Who Pays For Grindr?”

He asked me out, we went to grab some drinks. Then while we were talking, he busted out his iPad and played some games and occasionally chatting with someone else on Grindr (we also met on Grindr). For some retarded reason, he proudly told me that he was paying for Grindr Xtra on both his phone and his iPad. Wat. When I said I’m tired and should go home, he then offered to go back to his place 5 minutes away, to “cuddle.” Nope.

“Speaking of Grindr Though”

Met a guy on Grindr that looked pretty hot. The way that he was messaging me seemed really odd, like it was a thirteen year old kid writing them. I figured what the hell, we’ll see what happens. I met him at a bar pretty close to my place. Right from the beginning it was one of the most confusing interactions that I’ve had with another human being. Within the first few minutes he went on this whole political rant, and then halfway through it asked if he had a point. I didn’t. So after he realized that crashed and burned, he asked me if I liked amusement parks. I had no idea how to respond to the question, because we were two guys in our mid-twenties, at a dive bar, drinking cheap beer. I was so confused. I think after that he asked if I like roller coasters, fried food, and living in Seattle. He then went on to explain to me that every four years he decides to move to a new city to try and change things up. He did this by choosing two random cities on a list, flipping a coin between the two, and then moving to said city. After a while of talking to him I was struggling to keep up conversation, so I made up some excuse and left after my first beer. To this day I don’t know if I was on some hidden camera show.

“Would You Watch a Show Called Military Husbands?

Well, he wasn’t actually single, he had a boyfriend, but he was deployed to Iraq. I’ve heard the stereotypes about military wives, but apparently it applies to military boyfriends too.

edit: He didn’t tell me about the boyfriend until dinner. Mentioned it very casually like it was NBD that he lied about being single.

“Was It Worth It, Though?”

Guy got so drunk he passed out in my car and couldn’t tell me where he lived so i could take him home. He woke up every 20 minutes or so to tell me which direction to turn, and then once to puke everywhere.

He gave good head though..

“Guy Obviously Has More Going On Than Butt Problems”

I met a guy at Caribou Coffee. It was his idea to grab coffee. Well, I get there, and he messaged me to let me know that he was going to be a little late. So, he showed up a half hour late. I already had my coffee. I asked him if he wanted anything, and he said, “I don’t like coffee.” So, I said he could get tea or something else. He refused. So, we started to just chat. He wouldn’t stop complaining about how loud the machines were there. But, worst of all, he told me that he couldn’t stay too long because sitting too long would bother his cyst. Yes, that’s right, he started talking about a cyst on his butt (This was our first and last date). He didn’t stop with just the mention of it. He continued to talk about it. He told me what kind it was (I can’t recall the name) and explained that it is the result of an ingrown hair developing to a cyst and that these are common in men who sit a lot. I have not had anyone top this one.

“Just Gonna Pull the Psychosis Card On This One”

I met a guy on OkCupid once, his profile seemed okay, so I agreed to meet him for dinner and movie. We both get to the movie about thirty-minutes early, so we decided to walk around the plaza and get to know each other a little better. We were making small talk when he suddenly tells me ‘I’m a wizard.’ I don’t much of it, I tell him I have some friends who are Wiccan and I’m cool with it, but then he goes on to tell me that he’s a real wizard and can control people minds and control fire and stuff like that.

At that point I was torn, part of me wanted to just call it a night and go home, but the other part of me really wanted to see the movie, so I decided to stay and see what happened. After that movie, it turns out that his idea of dinner was Burger Kind drive-thru, and since he didn’t have a car I had to get the food and then drive him home. As I’m driving him home, I start to realize that the way I’m taking looked really familiar. I finally realized that he lived in the same apartment that a good friend of mine did, we used to work together and I’d drive him home on nights that it was too cold to bike in, but all of a sudden he dropped all communication with me one year in February and stopped coming into work.

I asked to guy if he knew my old friend, who then laughed and said that they used to be roommates, until he got tired of him and decided to kick him out…by tossing all his stuff into the parking lot while he was at work one day. At that point I got really angry and kicked him out of my car, I remembered my friend told me that his family lived on the West Coast and wasn’t too happy with him, so now I have no clue where he went to.

After about a week or so we had a slight earthquake in town, which was kinda weird since I can’t ever remember having an earthquake in West Virginia, but later that day the douchebag texted me saying that the earthquake was caused by a dragon living under the city. I replied back with a ‘fuck you’ and never heard from him again.

“Play It Safe, Guys”

Okie doke, so I had recently stopped seeing this guy and decided to get back on the horse right away. I made an OKCupid and got a couple of hits over a few days. I do not photograph well and it is very rare that I like photos of me, but there was this one in particular of me and the ex that is just super flattering of me, so I put that one up too. This one cute guy in particular messaged me multiple times and was really interested in meeting up with me. He was really nice and we had some mutual Facebook friends, and he worked close to my apartment, so I invited him over for dinner and a movie.

So he comes over and is really nice and still seems super interested and is asking a bunch of questions about me and my past and eventually we get on the subject of our past boyfriends. That’s when it starts to get a llittle weird. At that point the movie was playing, but there was pretty much no attention being paid to it. It started out as a few innocent questions here and there and pretty soon I found out that my ex was his ex also and I actually thought it was really funny. At one point I even pulled out one of his favorite sweaters that he left at my place and it was confirmed.

I didn’t really care, but then it turned into a full on interview on when we met, what we did, when we did it, how fast it progressed, what the emotional connection was, if I ever met his family, if he ever met mine, how often he had been in my apartment. Every single question had something to do with this guy and it was not even subtle like it had been in the beginning. At that point it was super uncomfortable, but I had already told him that he could sleep over (spare bedroom) since he worked in the morning also AND he had been drinking and smoking so I wasn’t going to put him out even though I totally should have.

Next morning I woke up to find him and the sweater gone. Blocked on OKCupid, blocked on Facebook. Never heard from him again. I later found out from a mutual “friend” that our ex started seeing me when he was still with him, and that I was at fault for their relationship ending. So I’m just lucky I did not get stabbed. Worst date ever.

Yikes, right?And if you thought these stories were bad, think again. My dating life was even worse. Don’t believe me? Check out my new e-book My Horrible Gay Dating Life and find out for yourself. Don’t worry. It won’t take long for you to feel much better about your romantic history.

 

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Madonna Preparing New Tour for 2018

 

Age is just a number according to Madonna. The “Jump” entertainer is allegedly preparing to leap back onto the stage at 59. Yes, that’s right, sugars. 59-years-old!

Whether you’re indifferent to her music or not, Madonna has established herself as a remarkably intimidating tour force over the years. Each time she launches a new tour, it goes on to give long-standing acts such as The Rolling Stones a run for their money. Literally.

With a clear demand for more Madonna stage-antics, it makes since she would want to hit the stage again. So will she?

While visiting Kelly & Ryan to promote her MDNA Skincare product, the “Music” performer dropped a few hints as to whether we can expect a new tour.

Listen. If she’s willing and able to continue entertaining, then I’m here for it. In a world where 60+ year old men can hobble around on stage for 2 hours and STILL sell out stadiums, let Madge continue slaying in her own way. Hopefully, we can expect a new album from this as well. We’ll just have to wait and see.

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Uh Oh! Jennifer Lopez Will End Las Vegas Shows

 

Better get those tickets while you can. Jennifer Lopez is officially done with Las Vegas, and she’s announced her final tour dates.

Her residency, which began in 2016 at The Axis at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino, will end on September 29th, 2018. The “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” performer released a statement to E! News illustrating her reasons behind her departure.

“Performing ‘All I Have’ in Vegas over the last few years has been an incredible and rewarding experience that I won’t soon forget. Some of the best memories on stage from my career will forever be equated with this city. Thank you to all my fans who traveled far and wide to experience the show with me.”

Tickets go on sale Friday, December 15th at 10 AM Pacific Time. American Express card members can get their tickets early on Monday, December 11th at 10 AM Pacific Time through Thursday, December 14th at 10 PM PT. Total Rewards members get access to an exclusive presale starting Wednesday December 13th at 10 AM through Thursday, December 14th at 10 PM PT.

Jennifer Lopez’s final Las Vegas show dates are as follows:

 

June 2018: 13, 15, 16

September 2018: 1, 2, 5, 7, 8, 12, 14, 15, 19, 21, 22, 26, 28, 29

So, the question is, will this be you at the concert?

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Sabrina Claudio “About Time” Album Review

Sabrina Claudio is already being hailed as the “the future of R&B.” So, naturally, the pressure to deliver is on, whether she likes it or not. Thankfully, About Time manages to give us a beautiful yet slow showcase of her talent. The subject matter may not amaze you, but Sabrina’s vocals and production will certainly surprise you.

Even when just speaking normally in “About Time (Intro)” Sabrina Claudio pulls the listener in with her breathy, silky voice.

“Will I have accepted the things I cannot change, and will I have changed the things I cannot accept?”

We may have heard such a statement in some old self-help book we threw away ages ago, but it’s her delivery that makes it become pleasantly thought-provoking. “Natural” summarizes About Time with its lyrics of “quickly falling in love” and it feeling, well, “natural.” Sabrina opens the track demonstrating some superlative self-harmonizing, and it’s quickly apparent why someone would boast about her potential talent.

 

“Belong To You” drifts down like morning fog, engulfing us with a need to be snuggled up with our imaginary boyfriends. Lyrics like “Grab hold of me, Gentle love but touch passionately” do nothing to dismiss these fantasies. They only serve to allow the following material to build upon the established theme. The low rumbling vocals in the chorus are also a nice touch. We can feel the singer’s need for companionship.

Of course, things quickly dial up with “Unravel Me,” another single from the album.

“Something in the sun or the air, Is making me wanna run away from here”

Here the production truly gets a chance to shine as “Unravel” is melodically the best track on the album and most likely a fan-favorite.

Our trip through those clouds begins to slow down upon our descent into “Stand Still.” Production-wise, this is the album’s most polished song. Nearly every vocal effect, drum click, and synth riff cluster together in perfect harmony. Sabrina Claudio is at her best vocally when she has room to maneuver, and the mostly sparse production offers plenty of that here. The lyrics “Time is being wasted screaming, Not listen I promise you’ll heal me better” will make you question exactly what you expect out of a relationship.

And just before you touch the ground, the bouncy “Used To” brings the journey to a close. Claudio finds time to be introspective even during an uptempo song, and it works for the most part. In fact, I dare say this could become a trademark of hers. Lord knows we need more uptempos in today’s depressing musical landscape. Here’s to hoping.

So, while About Time doesn’t break the ground it needs to, it more than succeeds in showing off Sabrina’s rich potential as both a songwriter and a vocalist. As “the future of R&B,” she has a lot to prove. Luckily, she has the talent to become something greater.

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K. Michelle’s New Song “Kim K” Calls Out Kardashian Clan for Cultural Appropriation

 

If nothing else, you can always count on K. Michelle to tell us how she really feels. Her new song, “Kim K,” is poised to start quite the firestorm, and I’m honestly here for it.

“Kim K” is the newest promo track from her upcoming LP, Kimberly: The People I Used to Know. The song itself addresses the Kardashian clan’s tendency to swipe up decades-long African-American cultural trends to pass off as their own. Not only is it timely, it’s downright scathing in its honesty.

Some of the lyrics that explicitly call out the Kardashians are:

“Wish I could be a Kardashian so I could be black. They ask if it’s real. I say it’s real fat. Don’t get caught up in facts, cuz ain’t sh*t real. And ain’t sh*t funny. So f**k how you feel.”

“Wish I could be a Kardashian, so I could be black. Put my face over ‘Pac. Wear my braids to the back. Throw a filter on that, cuz ain’t sh*t real. And ain’t sh*t funny. So f**k how you feel.”

Oh geez! Of course, her little “song monologue” doesn’t stop there. She also has a few choice words for black women who don’t support her efforts to woo actor Idris Elba.

“What’s up with all you black women? I date a black man named Idris. You say I’m ghetto,  he trippin. You’d rather him with white women.”

Chile…there is clearly a lot going on here. Wanting to hear the song in full? Catch the tea below, sugars.

What did you make of it? Sound off in the comments below.

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Okay Sis! Britney Spears Shares Acapella Ballad On Birthday

Look, we should know by now that Britney Spears is no vocal powerhouse, right? Still, sharing an acapella version of Elvis Presley’s “Falling In Love” was clearly a set up.

The “Toxic” singer took to Instagram to celebrate her 36th birthday…in song form. In the post she shared with her fans she said:

“I’ve always wanted to do a performance like this… singing in a pretty little black dress, with a simple 360, one take shot! I figured since it was my birthday, why not go for it?! So boom 💥 When the clock struck 12:00, I did it!!! Thank you all for the beautiful birthday wishes, and for letting me do what I love. I appreciate you more than you will ever know!!!!”

Want to see what all the fuss is about? See more below.

There’s not a whole lot that can be said without being shady, but here goes. Britney Spears seems like a nice person, and we know she’s been through a lot. It takes courage at this stage in her career to post something like this for the world to see. Still, you can’t help but marvel at the strides we’ve made in technology. Artists are able to sound incredibly otherworldly thanks to vocal effects and auto tune. Old news, right? I will give Britney her props though. She certainly DOES sound pretty much like you’d expect her to sound outside of the studio.

That’s all I got. Did your wig shift as she gave you a soundtrack to the tour of her home?

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R. Kelly Caught R. Kelly’ing: Underage Victim Steps Forward

A  young woman has stepped forward with shocking claims concerning R. Kelly. According to her, she was allegedly groomed and molested by the singer not long after that infamous 2008 trial. Strap yourself in, sugars.

Jerhonda Johnson alleges that she met R. Kelly while the latter was at the center of his child molestation trial. You’ll recall that during this time he faced 14 counts of child pornography. Johnson claims she was 16-years-old when the abuse began. A timeline of accusations for the “Step in the Name of Love” bandana-wearer can be found here.

On why she is now choosing to come forward:

“If I can speak out and I can help them get out of that situation, that’s what I will do. I didn’t have anybody to speak up on my behalf when I was going through what I was going through with him. He’s brainwashed them really bad, and it kind of reminds me of Charles Manson. I just really hope I can help these women out. Kelly needs to be stopped.”

Of course, Kelly’s representatives have all denied all of the accusations, dismissing them as attempts to further harm his career. Of course, it’s uncertain just how much can be salvaged at this point.

Kelly’s team responded with:

“The allegations against Mr. Kelly are false, and are being made by individuals known to be dishonest. It is clear these continuing stories are the result of the effort of those with personal agendas who are working in concert to interfere with and damage his career. Mr. Kelly again denies any and all wrong doing and is taking appropriate legal action to protect himself from ongoing defamation.”

If you’ve been following the R. Kelly drama, you’ve noticed many of his supporters say the same thing about his alleged sex cult. Instead of acknowledging R. Kelly’s well-documented pattern of behavior, they’ve decided to let it fly. Why? Because “They’re all consenting adults.” Well, that’s not entirely the case anymore according to Johnson. Will they continue to defend this man even as new evidence seems to mount with each passing day? Only time will tell.

Your Thoughts?

Azealia Banks Performs “The Big Beat” On “Good Day New York”

Not gonna lie, folks. I had several chicken jokes in store for you, but I’m going to save them for a better time. And we all know a better time will eventually arrive when it comes to our beloved Azealia Banks.

You either hate her, love her, or are confused as to what planet she’s actually from. However, the general consensus is that Azealia Banks makes damn good Hip Hop music. With that being said, the “Ice Princess” chocolateer graced the “Good Day New York” stage to perform “The Big Beat,” pulled from last year’s mixtape, “Slay-Z.”

Curious as to how that went down? Keep readings, my sugars.

Okay, not bad, right? Now here’s my main problem with watching this performance. Are you ready for it? I cringed.

I didn’t cringe because her performance sucked. On the contrary, Azealia Banks is not a boring performer by any stretch. I cringed because at this point in the game, the girl should be doing so much better than a crimson curtain backdrop with two hit or miss backup dancers. I was one of the ones who rooted for this girl to succeed. Of course, that was prior to the whole “tar baby” tirade on Twitter during the height of her hysteria. Is it possible for someone like Azealia to make a comeback? Unfortunately, there is.

Chicken-slaying and self-hate aside, you have to remember who our president is. If he can be as belligerent as possible and sit on the highest seat in America, then why can’t Azealia see mainstream success? I mean, I’m not personally about to buy it. I’m the cousin who came to the cookout to be nosy and watch. The real question becomes…

Are You?

I Really Tried to Like the Wonder Woman Movie

I really tried to like Wonder Woman. Really, I did. As one of my ultimate favorite superheroes, I was more than excited when they announced she would get her own standalone movie. Still, I found myself dazed, confused, and well…bored upon seeing her grace the big screen.

As someone who’s always prided himself on being one of the few people in my circle who can actually enjoy things without picking them apart, this was a hard pill to swallow. I went to see a movie with a 92% Rotten Tomato score, and I ended up being unimpressed with it as a whole.

A few things that really bothered me?

The Action

The action scenes were amazing…when they weren’t constantly interrupted by slow motion close-up shots. Diana would kick a bad guy. Said bad guy would fly out of a window in slow motion. Time would speed up when Diana turned around to face another baddie…only to slow down again when she reached for her sword. Every. Single. Punch. Nearly every step taken in an action scene involved the overuse of slow motion. It became jarring the majority of the time.

The Pacing

This movie was too long. Let’s face it. Much of its screen time could have been reduced, especially the scenes in the third act. By then, it felt like the movie was padding itself to make you wait until the inevitable final boss battle at its climax. Hopefully this doesn’t become a habit with DC’s movies being overlong just for the sake of it (looking at you, Justice League).

The Villain

For every wonderful superhero, there has to be a bad guy or a bad situation that truly elevates the story and raises the stakes. Ares’ anticlimactic reveal at the end of the film was both disappointing and boring. By then, I was ready for the end credits to roll, and the fight scene between the two was nowhere near as impressive as Wonder Woman’s fight against Doomsday.

You have to understand. Wonder Woman is one of the most iconic superheroes of all time, male or female. After the unnecessarily botched Batman v. Superman, much was riding on Wonder Woman’s big screen success. With Marvel continuing to kick DC into the ground in terms of consistency, redemption was necessary.

Enter Wonder Woman. No, literally. I’m still amazed at how someone can mess up a movie about Superman and Batman fighting each other, but it still happened. One thing many critics agreed on? Wonder Woman was the best part of the movie.

So, no I didn’t have a problem with Gal Gadot’s performance. I didn’t think the story was lackluster. I thought it was pretty consistent with its source material. I didn’t have a problem with the woman-only screenings or the ridiculous politics surrounding the film. I simply didn’t like it. Yet, I understand and respect its position as a game-changer for female superheroes (and female leads in general).

Your Thoughts?

Would You Date a Guy Who Used to Stink?

Now hear me out. Would you date a guy who used to stink or didn’t practice proper hygiene? No, I’m not “asking for a friend.” It occurred to me (and many of you I’m sure) that there are those of us who don’t exactly keep ourselves very clean.

It can range from bad breath to borderline refusing to wear deodorant. Now this isn’t something exclusive to men. I’ve met plenty of women who suffer from poor hygiene habits as well. That article is for another day. Today, we’re focusing on the male species.

So, say you spot this wonderfully attractive guy  while at the bar one night. All evening, the two of you try to communicate telepathically that you’re interested in one another from afar. You finally manage to snag his attention. He smiles this gorgeous, porcelain-set smile and begins to approach you.

His stench introduces itself to you before he has a chance to close in.

You begin to sweat, red lights begin flashing, the beautiful stranger begins to morph into one of the zombies from “Thriller.” You find a way to excuse yourself from the bar just before he reaches your seat. What wasted potential, right? You tell a couple of your girlfriends about him before you make a hasty retreat. Now that they know he stinks, he’s a goner.

Now say one of this dude’s homeboys calls him out on his funk (or God forbid his own mother). He reminisces on the night when he tried to approach you, but you sprouted wings and flew for the nearest exit. He realizes maybe he needs to get himself together before he tries to approach another woman (or man, whatever).

If you ran into him again, would you date him? Would you even allow him to approach you? What would be going on through your mind the next time you saw him? This time around, he smells quite delectable, his skin looks better, and he’s even started ironing his T-shirts. Would your first encounter with him still dull his new shine in your mind?

Look, first impressions are everything, right? From a personal standpoint, I’m not saying the dude is doomed to be alone forever. We all have our faults. However, some would still be repulsed by his stinky history. Others would be willing to give him a second chance.

Which one are you?

Your Thoughts?