8 Easy Ways a Bad Book Review Can Help You

 

All book reviews aren’t created equal. In fact, some can be downright nasty. The very first review of my book, My Horrible Gay Dating Life, was well…horrible.

Unfortunately, negative book reviews take a toll on the writer. Like many others, I fell into the trap of self-doubt and confusion. Was I the only one whose first book review was negative? Did this mean I shouldn’t write anything else? Where did I go from here?

Bad book reviews are a part of the profession. They’re also necessary and can help you become better. So, the question becomes: how does a writer benefit from negative reviews? Well, I have a few ideas based on my own experience.

You Learn Not to React

A rookie mistake is to immediately respond to a bad book review. This can range from a simple “Thank You” comment to a long, angry letter. Regardless, a response isn’t necessary. You’re not going to change anyone’s mind. Your time is better suited on other things, such as writing.

You Learn to Spotlight the Positives

Not every review you receive will be negative. Or positive. It’s usually a mixture of the two. When you get caught up in the bad reviews you tend to forget about the positive feedback. Take the time to remind yourself that people enjoyed your book. Your sanity will thank you for it.

You Learn to Just Ignore it

Bad feedback is a part of every day life. Responding to negativity is exhausting in general. Taking the time to focus on it will drain your passion for your craft. At times, it’s best to just “keep scrolling.”

You Stop Taking it Personally

It’s easy to take every review to heart. After all, this is a book that you poured all of your heart and soul into. You probably see it as an extension of your very being, right? Most reviewers don’t know anything about you beyond your book. So, there’s no need to take what they write as a personal attack. You haven’t committed a crime. You’ve made a work of art.

You Learn How to Take Criticism

The best bad book reviews are the ones where the critic offers helpful advice. If you look hard enough, you can find a bit of truth in even the worst feedback. No one is a perfect writer. Every time your fingers touch the keyboard, you have a chance to improve your craft. Being open to criticism is a crucial part of that process.

You Learn Not Everybody is a Critic

There’s a difference between a seasoned reviewer and a troll who just wants to bash everything. If you’ve spent any amount of time on the Internet, trolls should be easy to spot. What is there to gain from troll reviews? Usually nothing, right? Hone in on the reviews from critics who have something of value to say.

You Learn Not Everybody Will Like it (Or Has to)

Think of all the books you’ve ever read. Did you like every single one? Most likely there were some you weren’t impressed with. And that’s okay. You don’t have to like everything you read, and not everyone has to like your book.

You Remember Why You Write in the First Place

Whether it’s because it’s your calling or because you want to make money, there’s a reason you’re doing this. De-cluttering your mind of negativity and self-doubt helps put that into perspective.

So, What’s Next?

Now that you know bad book reviews can be useful tools, it’s business as usual. Start another book or revise the one you’ve already completed. It’s up to you. Just remember that somebody is going to love what you put out there.

 

Mean Motor Scooter “Hindu Flying Machine” Review

Mean Motor Scooter’s Hindu Flying Machine is more of a journey than an album, but it’s a particularly pleasant ride nonetheless. Over the course of ten tracks, peculiarities are to be expected. For the most part, they work. A track-by-track review begins below.

We’re Not Alone – Right after the first few riffs, the song plunges the listener into a feast of powerful bass lines. The double time is a surprisingly effective push, and the lo-fi vocals strike an interesting aural imagery of a long-forgotten time.

“Wavespotting” – Sporadic drums guide us through the jungle of a 60s comic scene. The power chords partnered with the bass fuel the ride even further like a vintage mustang sailing in the air above the Mississippi River. It’s a short ride, but it gives enough kick to keep the listener (and possibly a crowd) hyped.

“Sea Serpent” – This one set off with a nearly clean guitar riff, dropping in some serious punches with the full blown band. The vocals are over-driven, reminiscent of Franz Ferdinand.

“Cosmonaut” – Reverb and distortion are king here. What makes this track a standout is its similarity to “Welcome to the Black Parade” by MCR, rendering rendering a satisfying listen between each section. The interlude in particular was a nice touch, and its overall quality is a nice surprise.

“Lizard Man” – Things begin to pick up with “Lizard Man.” While not much of a standout as its predecessors, it features a pretty nice, although short, guitar solo.

“Shape Shifter” – It begins to feel a little routine by this point. The keyboard adds a nice touch, while the bassline is jumpy as always. The female vocals once again pour plenty of life into the track.

“Sam, the Homosapein” – The opening’s immediately sounds very AC/DC, yet with a clean and playful rhythm. The lyrics bring tangible imagery to the mind, and one can clearly visualize the footsteps of the Homosapein.

“Come and Get It” ­– The overall vintage feel is revitalized here. Still in a bit of a routine sonic-wise, but this time it works in the album’s favor.

“Dr.Benway” – This track is more like a succession to the previous track than a song on its own. The keyboard is much more pronounced than in previous tracks.

“Brainhole” – We finally reach the closing track of the album as well as the frenetic journey it took us on. While “Brainhole” could have been better suited for a “middle track,” it still works here. We get a nice summary of the musical themes and motifs.

Verdict: There are indeed some surprises here and there, and the song Cosmonaut is one to keep an eye on. Even though a main criticism its “routine” nature, that’s actually where the album shines the most. It’s familiar. There’s plenty to digest here, and overall Hindu Flying Machine is worth more than one listen.

Girl Keep It! Mariah Carey to Perform New Year’s Eve Special…Again

 

Mariah Carey is returning to the stage…the one we’re trying to forget about. Yes,  social media backlash, a media circus, and public embarrassment can’t keep a good diva down. The “Dreamlover” songstress announced on Instagram her plans to return to Dick Clark’s “New Years Rockin’ Eve” event.

Still incredulous? I don’t blame you, but there’s proof below.

Take 2. #RockinEve #NYE 🎉🥂

A post shared by Mariah Carey (@mariahcarey) on

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m counting her out just yet. Mariah Carey is, if nothing else, resilient. Many times during her long (and successful) career, she’s been counted out by the media. However, at some point it’s time to just bow out gracefully. The girl has hits on top of hits to her name. There’s really no reason for her to perform to begin with. I get that she wants to be “seen,” but really? There has to be some other way to handle whatever new project she’s hoping this will call attention to.

I mean, it’s going to take her performing a miracle on stage to make us forget this:

If nothing else, expect this to be entertaining…even if it’s for all the wrong reasons. Will you be tuning in?

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Cardi B Sounds…Unfortunate on New Single “Bartier Cardi”

 

Cardi B stans, whatever you call yourselves, don’t kill me just yet. See, I really wanted to like this song. As unintelligible as “Bodack Yellow” is, it’s still my go-to gym bop. This new single? Well…let’s just say I tried my hardest.

Teaming up with 21 Savage, Cardi B unleashed her second single from her upcoming project after much anticipation. I’m honestly not feeling it, but maybe you’ll like it. Find out for sure below.

I’ll give it to Cardi. The girl’s got plenty of energy. However, does that make up for the lack of enunciation? To be a little harsh, it sounds like this was made by any old SoundCloud rapper from your hometown. It’s just not polished. Be honest with yourself. How many words could you even make out while you were listening?

Perhaps my overly-analytical take on the single is due to Cardi B’s recent chart milestone. The “Love & Hip Hop” trailblazer earned the coveted #1 spot on the Billboard chart earlier this year, after all. The last female rapper who accomplished that was Lauryn Hill in 1998. There’s some perspective for you. We won’t start comparing Lauryn Hill’s music to Cardi B. There’s no point in being “obvious-petty.” What I will do, however, is have a healthy degree of expectation.

Unfortunately, I may have expected too much. What do you think?

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9 OkCupid Users Tell Their Dating Horror Stories

 

I think we can all agree dating apps suck. Yes, they’re user-friendly and simple to navigate, but they’re also full of strange, mentally-deranged people. You can log onto an app right now and see that same weirdo who’s ALWAYS online. Go do it right now, then come back.

See what I mean? OkCupid users posted on Reddit about their awful dating experiences, and they’re honestly pretty depressing. Want to see for yourself? Go ahead. You’ll feel much better afterward. Tuck into their stories below.

“There are Still Guys Like This?”

We went to go see a movie. It was awkward for a first date and we couldn’t talk. He invited me over to his place. He had mentioned when texting that he had roommates. So, we get to his house and his “roommates” are his parents. He introduced me to them as his friend, it was awkward. Well then we went upstairs to his room. We sat on his couch and started watching tv. Mind you he hasn’t made any moves, we haven’t even held hands yet. I laid next to him and snuggled up and we were watching tv for about an hour when all the sudden I feel his hand going down my pants. I grabbed it and pushed it up and then I said that I had to leave. On my way driving back from my house I got a text message that said he doesn’t think we should talk anymore because I don’t seem like his type.

“Did You Mention That Saying About the Boat and the Ocean?”

I made a thread about this kind of recently, but I still feel shitty about it so I don’t care.

Going on first date ever, things seem to be going well, girl seems really sweet, invites me back to her place, clothes start coming off, she laughs at my penis and makes snide remarks at me. Later messages at least one woman in my area talking negatively about my anatomy who then messages me to warn me that some crazy chick messaged her about me.

“I Honestly Want to Hug This Guy”

It was a first date. And it was my fault. Oh god, looking back I just cringe.

I was 19 at the time, my first REAL relationship of first love had ended. It was about two months after the breakup…which wasn’t enough time. And my dad had died about 8 months prior to the date. It was suicide. We got along pretty well, but the conversation drifted from one topic to the next during dinner. And what were the two fucking topics I decided to talk about? My most recent first love and my dad killing himself. I was too stupid to realize how uncomfortable she was. But I can picture it in my head and how much she wanted to leave. But I had given her a ride there.

It was Match.com and that was our only date.

“Who Wants That Perfect Love Story Anywaaaaaay?”

93% match, we meet for drinks. Things are going swimmingly until the date is wrappibg up and she starts talking some shit about a family member. Its hard to explain what she said because I was too distracted by what happened next:

When she gives her credit card to the bartender (splitting the bill, I was paying cash for mine) she murmurs to me, “That card’s not gonna work.”

“How come?”

Right on cue, bartender comes back. “Sorry, but this card expired eight months ago.”

She tries two more cards, both of which fail. “I’m gonna make a run for it,” she says.

Now, while I am not a regular, I visit this place occasionally. I have also worked in bars so I know this is a horrible thing to do. So before she cam bolt, I pay her tab.

She thanks me by running outside and across the street to her car and makes the fsdtest getaway ever.

There was no second date.

“FetLife is a Fetish Website FYI”

First ten minutes he told me about his fetlife profile and the chains attached to his ceiling. Fun! Then he had an anxiety attack in the middle of E 14th St. and proceeded to throw up into a trashbin for ten minutes while I stared at cabs go by.

“Puts the Catfish TV Show to Shame”

Bwahahaha which one?

The oddest was when she showed up being 7 months pregnant. Nothing about it on her profile. No pictures, no questions, no sidebar, nuttin’.

“We All Have a Friend Like This”

Nothing to horrible.

One guy wanted to meet at like 1am and there was nothing open. It was late summer. We went to Laurelhurst park to share a bottle of wine and I drank most of it while he rambled about being an ex-Christian. He asked if he could kiss me and drunk on a bottle of wine I shrugged. He kissed me and immediately after I tossed a ton of cookies into the lake. I just lurched off the bench and heaved into the pond and then rolled over into a little ball of drunken misery. Dude drove me home and shook me awake (how I didn’t end up dead IDK) and I stumbled into the door promptly slamming it in his face with a mumbled, ‘thanks’. I also think I cried drunkenly about my ex who dumped me that night over the great banana peel in the wrong trash can incident.

Anyhow, drunk lake guy texted me for a 2nd date. I did not reply. About 2 years or 1.5 years after I get a text. It’s drunk lake guy. He wants to hook up. I was like “wtf dude???”

“I Mean…If Co-Dependency Is Your Thing”

I had one where the guy showed up and announced that he hadn’t slept in 36 hours because his wife usually tells him when to go to bed and since they split she’s refusing to remind him even though they still live in the same house.

Um. Yah. No thanks.

“At Least She Tried”

the time a guy showed up for a museum date, walked inside with me, and proceeded to have a panic attack. he claimed he had worked out so hard at the gym and that’s why he was nauseous/couldn’t breathe. i’m nurturing by nature so i stuck around way too long – i ended up buying him some food and awkwardly trying to soothe him in front of the museum, but eventually i decided he was clearly too socially crippled to bother. i think i lasted like an hour.

How unfortunate. If you thought that was bad, think again. My dating life is even worse. In fact, my OkCupid date will put every story on this list to shame. Don’t believe me? Read my e-book titled My Horrible Gay Dating Life and see for yourself.

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Aaron Carter Confirms Bisexuality

 

This has been quite the year for Aaron Carter, bisexual implications aside. After a harrowing journey to overcome his drug addiction, the “I Want Candy” singer is ready to fully embrace his sexuality.

Speaking to Jeffrey Masters about his change of heart after initially only planning to date women, Carter revealed:

“I definitely embrace my bisexuality and, you know, it’s still new to me. Who knows what the future has to bring.Whether it’s a relationship with a guy…I’m single, and I look forward to what the future has to bring when it comes to a good relationship.”

Most of you will recall how Aaron Carter snatched us from our seats with that tweet. At first, he told TMZ that he had no interest in women. Isn’t it funny how things change so quickly? Oh, and about that tweet. Here’s what he said initially:

Don’t expect proto-Bieber to fly out of the gates with his new boyfriend any time soon though. When Jeffrey Masters asked if he still had misgivings about dating a man, Aaron said:

“No, I don’t feel like that. I don’t know, I’m still confused about it. About bisexuality…I don’t know, I’m single right now. I don’t know what’s gonna come my way.”

And how will these revelations shape his upcoming music? Well, he’s still figuring that part out.

“It’s something that I’ve already thought about for the album after this one. It’s already been thought through.”

Aaron, honey, if you need some help, I know a rapper who recently revealed he uses Grindr. I’m just saying. Birds of a feather, my dear.

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Eminem Teases New Music Video With Beyonce

 

Newly homosexual Eminem is in “pre-hype mode” for his upcoming album Revival. The song hasn’t gained much traction on the Billboard charts, but there’s still hope. What the rapper needs is a key visual to really kick-start this new era of his. So how is he planning on catching our interest this time around?

Enter Beyonce, the visual artist.

According to the short video released by the Eminem, it looks like he’s going to be serving us THEATER, hunny! Check out a teaser clip from newly-released duet “Walk On Water” below.

It looks quite interesting, but only time will tell at this point. Beyonce’s other duet with Ed Sheeran, “Perfect,” managed to knock it out of the park. Maybe there’s still hope.

Or maybe I could just, you know, enjoy the song. There’s also that…

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Eminem Admits to Using Grindr

 

Is Eminem gay? I know, what a tabloid-y question. But according to Slim Shady himself, he may be playing both sides of the fence. Interesting.

In a recent interview with Vulture magazine, the “Lose Yourself” rapper was asked about his dating life, and his response was…well…unexpected.

When asked if he dates anyone, he responded:

“It’s tough. Since my divorce I’ve had a few dates and nothing’s panned out in a way that I wanted to make it public. Dating’s just not where I’m at lately.”

Of course, it get more interesting from there. Here’s a direct pull from the actual interview:

Interviewer: “When you were dating, how’d you meet people? Tinder?”
Eminem: “I mean, yeah.”

Interviewer: “Are you being serious?”
Eminem: “Yeah, Tinder.”

Interviewer: “Really?”
Eminem: “[Laughs] And Grindr. I also used to go to strip clubs.”

He also professed his love of going to strip clubs, telling the interviewer, “What can I say? Going to strip clubs is how I was meeting some chicks. It was an interesting time for me.”

So there you have it. Eminem just casually admitted to using a gay hookup app. Yes, the same rapper who at one time was infamous for his love of homophobic slurs. But you know what they say. The ones who constantly use the slurs are the ones who like to…you know what? Never mind. I’ll just leave it at that for now. I’m still in shock.

Of course, this is Eminem we’re talking about. I’m sure he’ll either deny or say it was all a joke by the time I finish typing this article out.

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13 Gay Men Tell Their Grindr Horror Stories

 

Grindr can be quite the cesspool at times. I’m shivering at the mere mention of “cesspool.” It just has a slimy, disgusting feel to it. Of course, none of that compares to some of the Grindr horror stories a few gay men shared on Reddit.

From silver daddy stalkers to men who answer the door wearing a diaper, there’s a lot to digest. And by “digest,” I mean figuratively digest. Don’t expect to have much of an appetite reading some of these, and definitely don’t read the stories while you’re eating. You love yourself, don’t you? Of course you do.

So let’s get right to it! Tuck in below as 13 gay men tell their Grindr horror stories. Still think you’ve got it bad out there?

***WARNING. SOME OF THE STORIES BELOW CONTAIN GRAPHIC LANGUAGE THAT MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER READERS. USE DISCRETION WHEN SCROLLING DOWN***

“Guy Had a Long Day?”

Had a guy headed over.

Super hot. Like. Super fucking hot.

Fell asleep. FML.

“Maybe It Was for the Best”

Mine’s pretty mild.

I went out to meet a hookup at a terminal subway stop. I get in his pickup and we start to chat. He gets belligerent all of a sudden and starts complaining about meeting me and how I looked. He said this ain’t going to work. So, I said ok and left.

Mind you, I have an accurate pic and stats on my apps and he did agreed to time and place.

I really wasn’t pissed about me not working for him, but he was such an asshole about it.

“Sweet Sixteen?”

I don’t use hook ups, but I know many people who do. One is a big burly bear, he went looking to get with a cub one night and got in touch with this guy. He said he was 26 and was like 6’2″ and 220 pounds with a full beard and stash. Said he wanted to meet up at a park and go to his house since he wasn’t comfortable going straight to someone else’s house. So he went and met him at a park and as they started walking away it turns out the kids mom found out what he was doing some how and ran up and started yelling at the kid and dragged him away back home. Turned out he was only 16.

“He’s a Silver Fox…and a Stalker”

Well it’s not as bad as some of you guys (I’m so sorry that happened to you all btw) but in my early 20’s I was going through a silver daddy phase through grindr. I have several bad stories but I’ll go with my worst. I had my email on my profile at the time (Idk why but this is important for later) and I contact this guy in his 60’s and he was actually really nice… at the beginning. Well we hook up once and everything went fine but the second time we meet up he tells me many things. Like that he went through my FB, youtube accounts, school history and better yet he actually knew who I was before we hooked up. He used to be my grandmother’s manager and knew me and held me when I was a baby. I freak out and try leave and he grabs me and tells me not to leave that “we were meant to be” that he wants to be a part of my life. He wouldn’t let me leave until he “had a talk” with me and I was legit scared so I decided if I just listen maybe I can leave peacefully. I kind of disconnected from reality and to this day I don’t remember what all he said. The next thing I remember was I got in my car and drove away. After that I obviously never talked to him again but every now and then I would find notes left on my car around town and at work. Thankfully I went to college next year and never had to deal with it again.

“I Mean…Who Does That?”

Hooked up with a guy at my place. He said he wanted to fuck me. Then when he arrived we started screwing around and instead of going for my ass he just rubbed against my crotch until he shot his load.

Disappointing but whatever.

Then just as he was about to leave he started demanding money from me “or else” and refused to leave. I think he was expecting me to be some weedy queen about it, but instead I basically physically threw him out the door.

Could have been a lot worse but pretty scary at the time.

“This Guy Sounds Awfully Familiar…”

Wasn’t on Grindr, it was on grommr. Guy hit me up, we talked, I went over. When I got there he was wearing a diaper and had a pacifier in his mouth. Instantly felt creepy, had to leave. Deleted the app after that.

“He Was Going Through It”

A guy around my age used old photos and looked very different. I think he might have been depressed and had sort of stopped taking care of himself and his apartment. He was still handsome, just not in the same way he was in his photos. I told him beforehand I only wanted to hook up but he really wanted to cuddle. He made very intense eye contact and kind of made me uncomfortable, and by the time we started to fool around a bit, I wasn’t feeling it any more. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and after I left he sent me a message telling me how sweet I was and he couldn’t wait to see my again, and I felt really terrible but it was not what I was expecting at all.

“Yeah, You’re Grounded”

nearly got thrown off a cliff when I was 16 because I wouldn’t suck his dick lol.
Pro Tip~; don’t meet dudes near cliffs.

“Lost My Appetite”

had my second grindr hookup where i didnt come and was mad so later that night i found another hookup on some petty shit.

we hooked up in the parking lot of my old elementary school and everything was going alright until i went to suck his dick and he smelled so bad like a dirty cookout uncle. i wanted to gag i left and went home and stuck a bar of soap in my mouth

“You’re Somebody’s Hero…I Guess…”

I drunkenly hooked up with a lonely obese 70 year old man in the park on night off grindr. He was really lonely and i think he mostly just wanted company so we talked for a couple hours on the beach before he sucked me off. I tried going down on him but turns out he had ed. Not my proudest moment.

“This Happens Way Too Often”

Guy messages me while I am on my way over to his house that we had to be kinda quick because his girlfriend was going to be home from work soon. I refuse to knowingly help someone cheat, especially some closet-case.

I just told him I forgot I had to work on a project/presentation and turned around to go home.

“He Wasn’t Buying It”

Met a guy who looked like a crystal meth user…just a guess, not totally sure what a crystal meth user looks like, but this guy was sickly skinny…

I told him he was too intimidating looking for me, LOL(no idea why I said that….) and I was just not into it…

He was literally, “dude, you are fucking built like a brick shit house and look like you could break me in half….”

I apologized and told him thanks, but no thanks, and bailed. LOL, my motto is if its iffy, decline.

“Don’t Worry. They’ll Find You Eventually”

Making a profile and not being contacted by a single guy. Lol

Chawl…that was too much! But we’re not done, and I know you crave more crazy stories. If that wasn’t enough entertainment for you, you can also read all about my horrible dating misadventures in my new e-book, My Horrible Gay Dating Life. Diaper Boy from earlier makes an appearance.

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11 Gay Men Tell Their Horrible Gay Dating Stories

 

 

Look, dating is hard for everybody, especially gay guys. There aren’t very many of us to begin with (contrary to popular belief), and we’re notoriously picky. Not only that, some of us can be just plain weird at times.

We’ve all had a horrible dating experience, but these Reddit users and their stories take the cake. From witches summoning dragons to cause earthquakes to crazy sweater-stealing exes, there’s plenty of gay dating horror stories to get into below. Are you ready to feel better about your dating situation?

“Didn’t Know What Hermes Was”

The guy was wearing an Hermes belt, the one with the big H on it. At the time I knew nothing about fashion or what Hermes was, so I asked what the H stood for. He scoffed at that, said “I don’t think this is going to work out” and then straight up left.

He was right though, it probably wasn’t going to ever work out.

“He Wasn’t a Fan of Mutants”

Back during the dark ages of online dating – here I am thinking gay.com – I met up with a guy to spend some time in my town. We went downtown, to the mall, and I suggested a movie. We glanced into the the theater. I saw this one listing … called “Hills”. Turns out, it was The Hills Have Eyes.

The nuclear mutants eating people did not bother me so much. Until they started eating the baby while violating the mother and the daughter simultaneously. I became lightheaded, and recognized that I was about to pass out from the sudden anxiety and adrenaline. I had to sit Indian style in the hallway, breathe deeply, and I broke out in a cold sweat. The manager inquried if I was okay, I said it was just nerves and it would eventually pass. They took pity on me, giving me a free ticket. My date took pity on me, consoling me and asking me if I was ok (mind you I am like 6’2” football player , he was like 5’10”).

Needless to say, I was humiliated. The moral of the story? Dunno. I still got laid.

“Third Wheel, Much?”

About 8 years ago I met a guy online. We decided to meet for lunch. He brought a female friend and proceeded to spend the date talking to her and practically ignoring me. She seemed as uncomfortable as me. Very strange.

“Things Escalated Quickly”

A girl in my apartment building set me up on a date with one of her coworkers. We met up for drinks and about 5 minutes in he told me he invited a couple friends friends. Over the next half hour about a dozen people joined our group and the guy spent the night hanging out with them.

“Who Pays For Grindr?”

He asked me out, we went to grab some drinks. Then while we were talking, he busted out his iPad and played some games and occasionally chatting with someone else on Grindr (we also met on Grindr). For some retarded reason, he proudly told me that he was paying for Grindr Xtra on both his phone and his iPad. Wat. When I said I’m tired and should go home, he then offered to go back to his place 5 minutes away, to “cuddle.” Nope.

“Speaking of Grindr Though”

Met a guy on Grindr that looked pretty hot. The way that he was messaging me seemed really odd, like it was a thirteen year old kid writing them. I figured what the hell, we’ll see what happens. I met him at a bar pretty close to my place. Right from the beginning it was one of the most confusing interactions that I’ve had with another human being. Within the first few minutes he went on this whole political rant, and then halfway through it asked if he had a point. I didn’t. So after he realized that crashed and burned, he asked me if I liked amusement parks. I had no idea how to respond to the question, because we were two guys in our mid-twenties, at a dive bar, drinking cheap beer. I was so confused. I think after that he asked if I like roller coasters, fried food, and living in Seattle. He then went on to explain to me that every four years he decides to move to a new city to try and change things up. He did this by choosing two random cities on a list, flipping a coin between the two, and then moving to said city. After a while of talking to him I was struggling to keep up conversation, so I made up some excuse and left after my first beer. To this day I don’t know if I was on some hidden camera show.

“Would You Watch a Show Called Military Husbands?

Well, he wasn’t actually single, he had a boyfriend, but he was deployed to Iraq. I’ve heard the stereotypes about military wives, but apparently it applies to military boyfriends too.

edit: He didn’t tell me about the boyfriend until dinner. Mentioned it very casually like it was NBD that he lied about being single.

“Was It Worth It, Though?”

Guy got so drunk he passed out in my car and couldn’t tell me where he lived so i could take him home. He woke up every 20 minutes or so to tell me which direction to turn, and then once to puke everywhere.

He gave good head though..

“Guy Obviously Has More Going On Than Butt Problems”

I met a guy at Caribou Coffee. It was his idea to grab coffee. Well, I get there, and he messaged me to let me know that he was going to be a little late. So, he showed up a half hour late. I already had my coffee. I asked him if he wanted anything, and he said, “I don’t like coffee.” So, I said he could get tea or something else. He refused. So, we started to just chat. He wouldn’t stop complaining about how loud the machines were there. But, worst of all, he told me that he couldn’t stay too long because sitting too long would bother his cyst. Yes, that’s right, he started talking about a cyst on his butt (This was our first and last date). He didn’t stop with just the mention of it. He continued to talk about it. He told me what kind it was (I can’t recall the name) and explained that it is the result of an ingrown hair developing to a cyst and that these are common in men who sit a lot. I have not had anyone top this one.

“Just Gonna Pull the Psychosis Card On This One”

I met a guy on OkCupid once, his profile seemed okay, so I agreed to meet him for dinner and movie. We both get to the movie about thirty-minutes early, so we decided to walk around the plaza and get to know each other a little better. We were making small talk when he suddenly tells me ‘I’m a wizard.’ I don’t much of it, I tell him I have some friends who are Wiccan and I’m cool with it, but then he goes on to tell me that he’s a real wizard and can control people minds and control fire and stuff like that.

At that point I was torn, part of me wanted to just call it a night and go home, but the other part of me really wanted to see the movie, so I decided to stay and see what happened. After that movie, it turns out that his idea of dinner was Burger Kind drive-thru, and since he didn’t have a car I had to get the food and then drive him home. As I’m driving him home, I start to realize that the way I’m taking looked really familiar. I finally realized that he lived in the same apartment that a good friend of mine did, we used to work together and I’d drive him home on nights that it was too cold to bike in, but all of a sudden he dropped all communication with me one year in February and stopped coming into work.

I asked to guy if he knew my old friend, who then laughed and said that they used to be roommates, until he got tired of him and decided to kick him out…by tossing all his stuff into the parking lot while he was at work one day. At that point I got really angry and kicked him out of my car, I remembered my friend told me that his family lived on the West Coast and wasn’t too happy with him, so now I have no clue where he went to.

After about a week or so we had a slight earthquake in town, which was kinda weird since I can’t ever remember having an earthquake in West Virginia, but later that day the douchebag texted me saying that the earthquake was caused by a dragon living under the city. I replied back with a ‘fuck you’ and never heard from him again.

“Play It Safe, Guys”

Okie doke, so I had recently stopped seeing this guy and decided to get back on the horse right away. I made an OKCupid and got a couple of hits over a few days. I do not photograph well and it is very rare that I like photos of me, but there was this one in particular of me and the ex that is just super flattering of me, so I put that one up too. This one cute guy in particular messaged me multiple times and was really interested in meeting up with me. He was really nice and we had some mutual Facebook friends, and he worked close to my apartment, so I invited him over for dinner and a movie.

So he comes over and is really nice and still seems super interested and is asking a bunch of questions about me and my past and eventually we get on the subject of our past boyfriends. That’s when it starts to get a llittle weird. At that point the movie was playing, but there was pretty much no attention being paid to it. It started out as a few innocent questions here and there and pretty soon I found out that my ex was his ex also and I actually thought it was really funny. At one point I even pulled out one of his favorite sweaters that he left at my place and it was confirmed.

I didn’t really care, but then it turned into a full on interview on when we met, what we did, when we did it, how fast it progressed, what the emotional connection was, if I ever met his family, if he ever met mine, how often he had been in my apartment. Every single question had something to do with this guy and it was not even subtle like it had been in the beginning. At that point it was super uncomfortable, but I had already told him that he could sleep over (spare bedroom) since he worked in the morning also AND he had been drinking and smoking so I wasn’t going to put him out even though I totally should have.

Next morning I woke up to find him and the sweater gone. Blocked on OKCupid, blocked on Facebook. Never heard from him again. I later found out from a mutual “friend” that our ex started seeing me when he was still with him, and that I was at fault for their relationship ending. So I’m just lucky I did not get stabbed. Worst date ever.

Yikes, right?And if you thought these stories were bad, think again. My dating life was even worse. Don’t believe me? Check out my new e-book My Horrible Gay Dating Life and find out for yourself. Don’t worry. It won’t take long for you to feel much better about your romantic history.

 

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