Here's Some Really Bad Dating Advice
Dating can be exhausting, and sometimes we just need a friend we can vent to who will tell it like it is.
Should we stay with a man we suspect is cheating? Do we deserve to get our spouse back after we’ve mistreated them? Should we move in with our partner who lives with their parents?
Dimitrius reads a collection of letters asking for relationship advice, and let’s just say the mileage will vary depending on the scenario.
Dating is a Modern Hellscape
So I mentioned in a few previous episodes, how dating is just kind of an awful experience right now. You really have to be mindful and discerning when you're meeting someone new. And even after you start dating them exclusively.
If you just jump into the dating pool without a plan, so many things can and will go wrong for you. So what should the plan be Dimitrius? Well, I'm not ever going to present myself as a relationship expert, because I'm still trying to figure all that out for myself.
What I will do for you, is give you completely unsolicited advice in the poetic stylings of that one friend who thinks they know everything I told you all I'm a Virgo. It's what I do. For today's episode, I'm going to be reading some letters from anonymous individuals asking for relationship advice, just fair warning, there's going to be a lot of cursing.
So if you're playing this on a speaker, or you're in the car with your kids, or you just don't like cursing, just keep that in mind. And let's get started.
I'm the Friend Who Tells You to Leave
Now full disclosure, I'm that friend who's going to tell you to break up. I'm the annoying friend whose answer to all life's problem is leave him sis. Your man's been at home all day and forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer before you got home? Leave him sis. Your wife let your mother in law move in with y'all and didn't talk to you about it first? Divorce. Your kids broke all the eggs in your refrigerator? Adoption.
I'm just kidding on that last one. But you get the idea. Sometimes I'm not very good with Nuance when it comes to conflict in relationships. But I'm going to do my best today. I've got letters I'm going to read to you all. The first one I have here is from a man on Reddit.
Letter 1: My Cheating Didn't Go as Planned
So you can probably imagine how this is gonna go. Let's see what he wrote. He writes, I am a 36 year old man who is married to my wife M I think that's her name or whatever. He's calling her 32 year old female for the last seven years together. And for five before that.
She and I have three kids together an eight year old boy a four year old boy and a two month old girl. About a year ago I started having a relationship with a girl at my work Mel 23 year old female. Okay. Mel was a lot of fun to be around and always made me feel good when I was around her.
It was stupid, but I started the affair because she always complimented me and laughed at my jokes and I found her attractive.
We started seeing each other regularly and I started making frequent business trips just so I could sleep at her place or go on small trips together. This went on for about eight months before my wife M confronted me she had seen the text pop up on my MacBook when she was using it to book our yearly family trip okay girl and asked me about it as soon as I came home.
I tried to brush it off saying it's spam, but she didn't believe me. I ended up admitting everything to her telling her she isn't the person I married anymore.
That she never makes me feel good or laughs at my jokes the way Mel does. She handled everything with grace.
Okay, all right. She didn't cry or yell just said that she thinks it'd be best if I moved out. I was a little shocked by this, I thought there would be at least a discussion, but I agreed as I wanted to be with now, it's been about four months since that night. I now live in a small apartment with Mel and only get to see my kids once a week.
Okay, Mel has absolutely no interest in the kids, and will leave for the day to her best friend's house every time to avoid them. Mel is very messy, leaving all her stuff everywhere all the time. And she never cleans or cooks.
She is also constantly drinking or smoking weed, and always going out to the clubs with her friends. We've been arguing about this pretty regularly.
And all our arguments and and screaming matches. And I know you're probably getting reported left and right by AWS neighbors, because I can't stand that crap.
But anyway, my wife and I never argued like this never screamed at each other mill makes just above minimum wage.
So I have to pay for everything myself. Now. My wife is a nurse practitioner making well over six figures. And I pay her 2.5k Every month in child support.
As ordered by the court, I'm sorry, y'all. I can't save any money now. Whereas we lived extremely comfortably on our two salary income, and had a hefty savings and retirement fund. I lost all of that in the divorce. In hindsight, I can see my wife was exhausted. Because she did everything for everyone.
She worked full time. She always got the kids ready and took them to school daycare, pack lunches for everyone, including me, cleaned, did homework with our eight year old made dinner and cleaned up that did everyone's laundry, et cetera. And the list goes on and on.
She is super woman and I regret I didn't see that. I miss our sex life. It was incredible. And I crave that intimacy. Where as with Mel, it's like a dead fish. No connection or intimacy.
Now that I'm doing 100% of everything by myself while working full time I get it. I get why my wife didn't always have energy for everything I wanted to do. I just want everything back how it was. How can I approach this with my wife? How can I show her I'm a changed man who only cares about his family? And yes, I know. I'm the asshole.
That's not why I'm here. How can I show her? I'm a changed man. What exactly have you changed my live? You ain't changed a damn thing.
All you did was wake up and realize the grass wasn't as green on the other side as you thought booboo. Let's be for real and talk about you have to do everything yourself now. But what do you mean, she still has to raise all the kids by herself. It seems like to me, so it can't be that hard.
And the thing about it is you aren't just stepping on on your wife. You're stepping on to your whole family after being from what I'm reading fairly useless in the first damn place.
You should have never had time to entertain note and body. The only reason you did it was because your wife was handling all the business while you probably came home expecting her exhausted ass to feed your stomach and ego every day.
The youngest has tummy time your two year old two month old excuse me, has tummy time. And as she's learning how to rollover, so look for her triflin as Daddy, who's nowhere to be found.
Because he's on his fifth business trip of the year and it's March. She's going to be six months old learning how to walk so she can go find your ass.
And I hope them two boys don't resent your wife for leaving you and breaking up the family quote unquote, because nobody broke shit up. But you.
This is one gone for eight months before your wife found out almost a year you did this. And I know they're young. And I hope they at least understand that this woman gave you 99% of what you wanted and needed. But nope, that wasn't good enough.
You had to get that last 1% Because for some of you, you feel like if you don't get every single urge and desire satisfied that you're in the clear, you can disrespect your partner.
And it doesn't work that way. You stepped out on your entire family because your wife was laughing at your corneas jokes, and had the nerve to look like a mom of three kids who single handedly raising them because she can't count on your ass and how can she you left her to ride a newer 23 year old model and found out that 23 year olds ain't trying to have a family ain't trying to have no responsibility.
And damn sure ain't got shit figured out for themselves yet, which it's exactly what it's like to be that age. But since you have the emotional maturity of the damn 17 year old, you thought that's what you need it and you found out the hard way.
No, I will not tell you how to win your wife back and you better be glad I'm not her gay BFF because I'd be standing at the front door with my arms folded a blonde wig on top of my head and dare you to say anything to her. You're not taking one more step Stephen.
I slicked my bang to the side on all your outrageous or you never loved your wife. You just love what she did for you. You love how she parented your grown ass. That's what to miss. And you don't deserve it. You'll never deserve it.
Letter 2: He Wants Me to Move In With Him...and Them...
Okay, so next letter. This one isn't from Reddit, thank goodness, because we're not doing more of that. Thank you. This young lady writes. So I'm a 25 year old woman and my boyfriend is 27.
We've been together close to a year, I rent an overpriced one bed, one bath apartment, and the downtown area of my city.
And he rents a three bed, two bath house in the suburbs. My lease ends in June. And we have been discussing moving in together as the next step in our relationship.
More specifically, the idea of me moving out of my apartment and into his house. The thing is, his parents are the ones who own the home and are renting it to him. While that itself is not a problem.
Here's why I'm struggling with it. Originally, I was told that his folks were using the home as an Airbnb rental property until my boyfriend needed a place to stay. So they offered to let him rent it out. It was a win win for them.
They got a tenant they could trust and be comfortable with. And he got a nice place at a good price with the only rule being that he maintained the home and kept it in good condition.
So I was under the impression the house was some type of investment property for them. However, I learned the entire backstory later, his parents bought the home because it was actually their dream home.
And they were planning on living there for the rest of their lives. But then my boyfriend's dad had to transfer to a new city for his job, they decided to keep the home as a rental property with hopes that they could return one day.
My boyfriend has even said that if something were to happen, then they would quickly reclaim the home and move right back in. I asked him what he would do if that happened.
And he said he would either have to live with them, or move out into another place. This is kind of left a weird taste in my mouth when we discuss moving in.
Even though his parents don't live there, it still feels like it's their home. It's filled with a lot of their furniture and stuff. It's decorated the way they wanted. There's family pictures all over the walls, and it's very much a family home type of vibe.
Even when they visit the walk around like they own the place, which they do. She's got that in parentheses.
Obviously, my boyfriend is comfortable with it because it's his family. But I feel a little weird when I try to picture myself living there. Like I don't belong, I feel like it'd be more comfortable in a place that we could truly make ours. I've tried to bring up the idea of us finding our own place together.
But my boyfriend seems like he mostly wants to just stay at the current home, he doesn't see a reason to find somewhere else to live.
Since this works for him. I haven't really expressed to him how much I don't want to live there. Maybe I'm overthinking it. From what I can tell his parents seems slightly hesitant on me moving in as well. Does this seem like a normal concern? Or is it a bit dramatic?
I just feel like I can't even address the other concerns of us moving in together without handling this first. So you're not being dramatic at all.
And as someone who cannot do roommates for a variety of reasons, I completely understand your apprehension to not wanting to move in because essentially, this is your boyfriend's home. I've had roommate situations where they had already moved in before me and establish that it's their place, right?
Then I move in, but it was still the vibe of it being their place. And I was just inhabiting it if that makes sense. So it never really felt like I lived there. It just felt like I was staying with them.
And it was like everything that belonged to me had to stay in my room pretty much, which used to really get on my nerves. Like one time I left one of my pillows on the couch in the living room.
So my roommate, I guess she saw it and brought it to me and was like, Hey, you left your pillow on the couch. Like they weren't going to use the couch or anything.
They just saw that it was there and decided, Oh, it doesn't belong there and used to go in his room. So I'm thinking, Okay, does it? Why does it not go there?
Because I don't just live in my room. I will also live in the living room, the kitchen, the dining room. I mean, I pay rent. So it's not. I'm not staying here for free or something.
You know what I mean? So what's going on. And of course, that will cause some friction, because in their mind, it's still their place. They don't consider that you may also want to have a say, in making the space yours too.
You might want to decorate you might want to have your own whatever whatever in your your space if you're paying live there, right, which is one of the many reasons I can't deal with roommates.
But anyway, but especially if you're paying to live somewhere, you should have all the freedom to make it feel like home to you and have the reasonable expectation of privacy.
I also lived with people whose parents would come visit all the time, and it was annoying, because parents often don't respect your part. I oversee anyway.
And since they view that as their home, they're really not going to when my roommates family would visit, like once a week, they were always up in my business knocking on my door, asking me why I've been in my room all day.
And I'm thinking, okay, like, I'm not related to y'all. And I don't want to talk to you period. And I don't have to.
So to summarize, it sounds like your boyfriend is perfectly okay with living in that arrangement, and with them, if it comes to it, but he's not being considerate of how you would feel living there in that situation. And it sounds like his parents aren't all the way sold on it either.
So I just think it's best if you tell him how you feel about it, number one, and number two, I would just avoid moving into that situation altogether. Because I can just see you and the parents butting heads about something.
And if things go left, they can just say, Oh, we don't want you here. And I would hate for you to be put in that situation. So that's just my thoughts on it. All right. Well, that one was a lot easier and a lot better.
Letter 3: My Fiancee is Shopping for an Instagram Model
So let's move on to the next letter. This one isn't as long as the other one. This is from a woman who is engaged to be married to her boyfriend. It reads I'm engaged to be married aww congratulations. I live in a home with my fiancee. He likes every picture from this girl's Instagram. Aww my condolences.
Long story short, he has messages asking for this girl's Amazon wishlist but claimed he was just trying to help her make one and that Instagram messages disappear?
Is she asked Is this true? I don't have an Insta. My fiance says he is quote unquote, attracted to her, but doesn't want her girl. Should I message the girl in a nice manner to ask if my man has been stepping out? Not to confront her but to see if he's being dishonest?
So I can move on with my life and not have my time wasted? For what? For what? What does she have to do with anything?
No, you will not harass that girl because your man quote unquote, is in her DMs. Talking about Instagram messages Delete. No, he didn't delete his fast enough. That's what happened.
You're not dumb, sweetie. Don't let him make you look dumb. And I never heard somebody needing help coming up with a wish list.
I'm notoriously hard to shop for. But I can at least find 20 things on Amazon that I can make a list out of be serious.
Does he know what your Amazon wishlist is? Does he even plan dates for the two of you? And if so, is he putting as much thought into them as he is her little wish list?
Don't let this dude have you looking like a Destiny's Child song. Like for real? Does she really not know what she wants on Amazon?
And if that's the case, then why does he know Goroka bowl, pack him a spin in a bag so we can go stay with her and her house so they can work on some more projects.
He can help her with her class presentation. They can do a family tree diagram with some construction paper, make macaroni necklaces at all.
You know what's going on? And you know he lying? And if he's got a beard, wait till he falls asleep and shave it off next.
Okay, don't really do that last part. I'm just kidding. Okay, well, that one was pretty short. So we will move on to the next letter. This one is also about a paragraph long. So let's see what this person wrote.
Letter 4: I Don't Find My Supportive and Financially Stable Husband Attractive Anymore
So I've been married. This is from a woman, she says. So I've been married for two years and have known my husband for eight years.
I got married too early in my life. And it was accelerated due to the pandemic. It is my fault. And I take full accountability for allowing it to move at a pace I was uncomfortable with.
I met my husband young and didn't get much experience outside of him. My husband is great. All of our values and watts are aligned.
He takes care of me well, and it's very open and supportive. And a bonus is that he is very well off. However, I'm not attracted to him.
And I don't think I have ever been very attracted to him. I get so turned off when he kisses me. And majority of the time when we're intimate. I knew I was never greatly attracted to him.
But I thought he looked okay enough to be with, especially since he treats me so well. Plus they say looks fade.
So I didn't think it would matter that much. Two years into the marriage. I'm realizing that looks do matter, girl. I've changed his wardrobe, which has helped.
But physically, he's just not that great looking. Do I just suck it up and deal with this for the rest of my life?
Is there nothing else I can do? Or he can do to help my attraction towards him? I'm worried I'm going to start looking elsewhere because I'm just not turned on by him and his looks.
Well, first things first. Don't have a baby with this man. Do not have a baby with this man. Do not bring a child into this bullshit because that's what you're on is some bullshit.
You say I hear you've known your husband for eight years, married for two. And you made it tell me it took you this long to realize you weren't feeling them like that.
Cut the bullshit in half and fold in hamburger style. And don't blame this on the pandemic or the Coronavirus should I got nothing to do with it, you knew you weren't attracted to him probably seven and a half years ago, and thought you could fake it till you make it.
Now you don't realize it ain't working. So now you're trying to save your face and his by trying to scramble up to come up with a reason to stay with someone you don't even find attractive, which is already leaking into your intimacy and your overall respect for him.
Second thing, I mean, it's time for a divorce, you met this dude, when you were young, you're basically hitting that you feel like you missed out on a lot of dating experiences, et cetera, et cetera, I don't think you should stay with someone that you don't find attractive.
And I damn sure don't think you should have a kid with them. Because I can see so much subconscious resentment hurled at this innocent child, because you feel trapped in a marriage with someone you don't even like.
But here's what you're going to find out once you leave my darling. Most of these do think shit, they don't work. And they don't even take care of themselves, let alone somebody else. They're selfish. They look amazing, though. They smell good.
They say all the right things, all the stuff you want to hear. But you're soon going to realize once you've had your fill of all of them, that it's all meaningless. It's going to be a trade off for you.
You're gonna go from financial stability and consistency from your husband, to someone who goes to you after six months of dating, because they found someone who they think is easier to deal with easier to get in bed and aren't feeling you like that.
Prepare for trouble and make it double baby. And at the end of the day, your husband sounds like a good man, to me.
A complete contrast from the first letter that I read, and he deserves someone who wants him for him and not just for what he can do for you.
That's the common denominator that I'm seeing here, actually. So before you end up starting an eight month affair, like oh boy did earlier and trying to come up with some stupid ass line when you get caught just in a modest way.
And live to regret it someday, because you will trust me. But sometimes you have to learn the hard way. So I wish you all the best in that regard. Okay, babes, I think I'm going to do one more letter.
Letter 5: I Wouldn't Get Intimate With Him, So He Ghosted Me
This one's a little bit longer, and it's from a woman. So let's see what's going on. I met this guy at a little temp job. I was working and we became good friends. Over the past three months, we've been texting, and even went on a couple of dates.
He lives about two hours away from me and we would meet up whenever we could after the tip job ended. This past Saturday, we went to the mountains in hike for a little and everything seemed to be going great.
After we finished hiking, we drove around and he decided to park after he saw this private spot that gave us a perfect view of the mountain.
We cuddled up in the backseat. And it was nice until he started saying things like, you can be honest with me, quote unquote, you can be honest with me, you can trust me and ask me pretty much if I've ever been intimate before. Mind you. I'm 25 and a virgin.
I've never been intimate with anyone because I've always wanted to wait for a guy I'm comfortable with.
Also there was a time in my past where I was always going to the hospital for health reasons, and never really made time to date and all that. I lied to him and told him I had been intimate before.
But I think he could tell I was lying because he told me we can take things slow and we can learn together. We finished the night off cuddling and he drove me home.
He even held my hand while he was driving and we kissed goodbye. He texted me that night that he made it home safely.
And the next day he texted saying he had a great time. I tried texting him Sunday night, and I see that my number has been blocked. I just feel so disappointed right now.
On one hand, I'm happy that I didn't give him my virginity because I would have felt more awful if I gave it up and he still ghosted me but on the other. I'm sad because I lost my friend in the process.
And because I'm a late bloomer, this is kind of like my first little heartbreak. Oh, girl, fuck him. And first of all, don't go hiking with some dude, you haven't even known for six months. If I was your friend, you wouldn't have gone on that damn date. Anyway, my friend finna come up missing some trail. Please.
Second of all, in all seriousness, it I know you really liked him. You said you're a late bloomer. Your heart is broken. And I want you to know you have every right to feel that way. You really liked him.
You felt like you could be intimate and honest with him. You refer to him as a friend. He even told you that you could trust him even though that clearly wasn't the case.
In the end, it seems like he's just trying to get some right. And when he didn't get what he wanted, he moved on to the next it happens doesn't make it right. But it happens. And I know firsthand how awful that feels.
To be discarded like that. It's one of the worst feelings in the world almost worse than the rejection itself. Because you feel like you've been reduced to just some sexual object that's easily replaceable, but you are not replaceable. His ass is replaceable.
And don't let nobody ever make you feel that way. And yes, I know he was doing all this romantic shit, and had you all confused. And thinking that you could trust this person probably had no addition playing on the radio and everything.
But that's how some of them do. Usually guys like that, who ain't about shit make it known very quickly, we're used to that, they'll usually go through all that effort just to get some. But you've now learned firsthand that No, some of them absolutely will fake it till they make it girl.
You also mentioned you're kind of new to this, I don't want you to feel discouraged from dating or anything. Keep putting yourself out there. Because it takes time and experience for you to pick up on the subtle signs that some of these dudes give off. And to learn how to set boundaries, and learning what those boundaries even are sometimes.
For instance, if I'm on an official date with someone like this is an official date, it's not a Hangout or some mess. And the guy is trying to get intimate with me on that date. At the end of it, whatever. Like that same day, even that's an immediate no go immediate red flag, take me home, or I'll take myself home, Uber, whatever.
And see, with you being alone with him in the mountains, that's where it can get dangerous, because he could have pulled to complete 180 on you. And there might have been no one around to come to your rescue to help you. And how would you have gotten away or escaped?
So next time, I want you to avoid going anywhere that super secluded with anyone. I don't know you, you're just an anonymous person. I don't have your name or anything. But I am designating myself as that note, all friend who will cuss you out if you ever do that again. So just be aware.
So anyway, that's all the letters I've got for today. If you like this, I'll probably read some more and would like to read some of yours if you have anything going on. I hope you don't. But if you do, you can always reach out to me, but just know that I don't play.