Black, Gay, Feminine, and Trying to Find Love
Feminine black gay men face a unique set of challenges when it comes to dating and living their lives. We deal with homophobia, racism, and sometimes even transphobia. At times, we can feel like outsiders from every community, black AND LGBTQ.
Now let’s add dating to the mix.
How does a feminine black gay man find a partner? Do apps work better than meeting in person? What do they do when they don’t feel like they belong in their own communties?
I am joined by Marquece and Xavier as we spill on dating experience. We also share the widsom we’ve acquired from living our lives unapologetically.
Marquece 00:57
There’s definitely a hierarchy with it’s like if you don’t look a certain way, if you don’t make enough money, if you don’t hang out with the certain people. It’s like, We’re such a loving community, like our whole community is based on love. But people just aren’t in it. Like they don’t realize the like discrimination that at all. Right? Especially being black.
Xavier 01:25
Oh, yes.
Dimitrius 01:29
Oh, yeah.
Dimitrius 01:29
You never know when you need to hear it from someone just like you. I think I’ve said that before on this show. I definitely say it a lot in real life. I’m repeating that sentiment because today I’m talking about relationships.
Dimitrius 01:42
Again, I know. But so far, I’ve been interacting with folks who while we may be on the same page about a lot of things don’t really share the common struggles and pain points that I do. So naturally, I felt it was important to speak to people who were very much like me as a super feminine gay man.
Dimitrius 01:59
In case you forgot, again, dating gets weird as fuck for me, but I’m not alone. And these are our stories. Dun dun. So let’s get started.
Dimitrius 02:10
Welcome to the Dimitrius show, where I learned how to walk through my shadows, picking the flowers I’ve grown through sheer resilience. And I may not know enough yet to start teaching, but I’m going to keep convincing you to keep pushing. I’m Dimitrius and this is my life after speaking.
Dimitrius 02:40
Today I am joined by Marquese and Xavier two incredibly stylish and beautiful black gay men who also live in Dallas just like I do small world. They’re also highly successful, self made and talented.
Dimitrius 02:52
The three of us live interesting lives and have a very unique experience when it comes to existing. Let alone dating. None of it comes easy, but we make it work and we do it well. So y’all know what the topic is. I don’t want to drag my monologue out this time. So let’s bring them on.
Marquece 03:08
Okay, well, sir, my name is Marquece. I am from Connecticut. I’m 25 and I’m currently a fashion stylist based in Dallas.
Xavier 03:18
Awesome. I am Xavier. I am born and raised in Fort Worth, Texas, and I’m 26 years old. I’m an Aquarius if that piques your interest to anybody and I’m a sommelier and in the hospitality industry.
Dimitrius 03:33
Wow. Okay. All right. So I’m hearing that one of you is from Connecticut Marquece right? Awesome. What is Connecticut like? I’ve never been there.
Marquece 03:43
Just trees and old people.
Dimitrius 03:49
Okay, cuz I was gonna visit but I guess I know Connecticut is beautiful. I was like I I guess not, but maybe drive through. Maybe that’s fine. Yeah. Okay. Okay, fine. I’ll do that then. Sounds good. Xavier, tell us again about your profession.
Xavier 04:07
Oh, yeah. So sommelier somebody who is just like a wine expert, and I’m also in the hospitality industry. So I do private events and things of that nature in hotels, I work in banquets, I also work at a restaurant as well too.
Xavier 04:20
So I’ve been in like the industry as we call it, the restaurant industry since I was probably about like, 16 years old got very serious about it when I went off to college and my degree in Hospitality and Culinary Arts, so…
Dimitrius 04:33
Oh, look at that. So what are what’s everyone’s pronouns? Let’s, let’s get that on the table. Okay, perfect.
Xavier 04:41
I go by him and sometimes she just, I quite honestly he him and she, but mainly predominantly he and him.
Marquece 04:50
Um, he then
Dimitrius 04:51
Okay, excellent. So mine, he him but it really doesn’t matter to me. I get mistaken for women all the time since Since when, and it’s not a big deal to me being mistaken for a woman is not the worst thing on earth are much worse things you’d be mistaken for.
Xavier 05:09
Exactly. That’s how I feel. That’s why I say if someone says she did me, it’s fine because I have longer hair, right? And like, even in my Instagram profile picture, if I’m like on someone’s call, who doesn’t know me personally, or a friend’s, He’s not someone else’s phone.
Xavier 05:24
Like, they seem just like my profile pictures or like, Who is she? I’m like, Well, you know what? Exactly. Just gets the hair for sure. But I know that the longer it will get, the more I will definitely, for sure be mistaken for she but I predominate go by him, like if someone says she because when I’m talking to Marquese we go, we say, girl, girl, girl. So really, I’m mainly here to him. But it doesn’t really matter to me. Like I said, like you said, it could be much worse things.
Dimitrius 05:54
Exactly. Let’s talk about the long hair, though. Because it seems like and you kind of touched on it. But it seems like after a certain length, nobody everyone acts like they just can’t tell anymore. Like I can have facial hair, just like everyone else, every other guy and walk into a bathroom.
Dimitrius 06:15
And I just have my hair in a ponytail, for instance. And someone’s like, Oh, I thought this was the men’s restroom. And I’m like babes. Like, it shouldn’t be that confusing. You got this, I promise you. Like, I’m looking at the urinals, like, I know where I’m at. It’s cool. Like, we got this. So exactly.
Marquece 06:35
Worry about me just worry about you please, right.
Dimitrius 06:38
I mean, I still walk past I’m like, hey, whatever. But I thought that was really interesting. Someone else sees what I deal with. That’s awesome. So for today, we wanted to talk about our dating experiences, as individuals who are not afraid to be mistaken for women, and we navigate the world in that manner.
Dimitrius 07:00
We got a lot of interesting takes when it comes to the dating scene. So I wanted to start by asking you, where do you seek dates currently?
Marquece 07:10
So I mean, I don’t seek dates, or any type of relationships per se. I like connections to form organically. I mean, am I dating websites? Yeah, I mean, who isn’t?
Marquece 07:22
But in my reality, it’s a lot harder for me to find my person, that person on there, like most conversations that transpire on dating website, it’s always just, you know, them come up to me and my looks, we talk about a few random topics, and then they realize, oh, okay, there’s actually brains by the load that really matters for them, they usually just proceed on asking me to, like, come over, or just fulfill whatever type of fantasy they have.
Marquece 07:48
So it’s gotten to a point where, from another man’s perspective, I’m not viewed as an actual human being, but some like sentient flashlight for them, honestly, they’re just looking for a way to fulfill themselves, it’s usually just a meaningless choice. So I much prefer to meet people in person, it’s much easier to read their body language as well.
Xavier 08:10
Yeah, I would say for me, I am on dating apps, but like, I don’t really use them very often, if I’m being completely transparent. But if I’m like, looking for dates, or things of that nature, like, I mean, Marquese are pretty active, like in the Dallas, like, seeing, like, we know many people based off of like, where our previous employer was, and just like the persona that we bring a lot of the time, and that’s not me trying to sell Gotti but like, for me personally, when it comes to like, forming like relationships and things of that nature.
Xavier 08:43
I’m really looking for somebody, first of all, like looks are very important. Yes, but like, I think interests, like personal interests are very important to me, just because I’m somebody who’s a gamer and I also, like do martial arts and if you’re like in hospitality as well, too, or if you like any enemy or cosplay, anything like that, like that, right? There piques my interest, and I feel like if we have a connection with one or two of those things, you might like the other one.
Xavier 09:10
And I feel like that is gonna make me want to, like pursue you even more or that’s going to make like the relationship that is what you’re, you know, trying to seek after, at the end, if that’s your end game for sure. I’m also somebody I’m dating you to eventually probably marry you or this be a long term thing. That’s just how I am and I’m a very big empath.
Xavier 09:31
So if my intuition is telling me something, that I definitely go with that, and I don’t stray far from, you know, things that I feel like if things are aligning, and my mind is like telling me yes, and I’m gonna go with that for sure. I’m just a very calculated person.
Dimitrius 09:47
So where did the two of you typically go? Because I’m hearing that you’re not so much on the apps more attuned to meeting people in person. Were some places that y’all usually go to
Xavier 09:59
I’ll start I’ll say it again, Marquis is probably laughing right now. But we, a lot of the times, it’s called the gayborhood will meet people there. And a lot of times, we’re not there really to meet a guy, we’re just there, like conversating and kicking with our friends.
Xavier 10:14
And if someone happens to like, see us where they’ve seen us on live eating, where do they what gives me whether they’ve seen us on a dating app there, or somebody who just has seen us there for the first time. It’s cool, whatever. I personally don’t go out looking for people, like in the neighborhood.
Xavier 10:30
But if somebody piques my interest and come up to me, or we just happen to like, align, like you said, things happen organically, I love that, that’s cool. But we have some people who I would consider our associates who literally go out there seeking men, a lot of the times and again, you know, that’s, that’s okay.
Xavier 10:45
Because when we think about it, that’s what those spaces are for, like, they’re like, supposed to be a safe space for LGBTQIA plus people to like, you know, me Cree conversate, do whatever the case may be, because, you know, we’re, you know, a marginalized community.
Xavier 10:59
And there are spaces that are there for us for a reason, because we don’t really have common community. And the masses have this, you know, male dominant society that really will truly accept us, just as regular people were just known as gay men, or gay or, etc. Or people say now, the alphabet community. So
Marquece 11:20
yeah, I do enjoy going to the game. Don’t get me wrong, but finding, I don’t go there with a motive. I go there just to be with people that I love and just having a, it does get complicated when I do meet men out there. And, you know, we can talk for however long they they can seem genuinely interested in getting to know me.
Marquece 11:42
But honestly, men like that they just see me as a fetish. And it’s hard for me to kind of differentiate between them, genuinely liking me as a person or just someone to, like I said, fulfill their fantasy, and just what they’re only sexually attracted to, if that makes sense.
Dimitrius 12:04
Oh, yes. Can we can touch on that real quick? The fetish part of it, because that’s what I deal with primarily, is Well, number one, I’m trying to break away from the dating apps completely, because I’m tired of casting out trade, very tired of testing.
Dimitrius 12:21
Well, I say I’m tired of trade. But I’m not tired of cussing them out. That’s fine. I’m tired of just dealing with them. Like I like coming up with a new read every week, that’s fine. But dealing with them is what I’m tired of. I’m tired of interacting with them in general. Like, I come across someone and I’m like, Oh, here’s a chance to just put you in your motherfucking place today.
Dimitrius 12:46
Yes, absolutely. That’s going to happen. But that is where they they like to congregate, I’ve noticed. And I want to go someplace where there’s less of that, I guess, in it’s a space where people are more comfortable being themselves. And so I don’t have to deal so much. I will still deal with it.
Dimitrius 13:06
But so much where it’s just like every other person I swipe with is this person who is just not about anything to begin with. Then on top of that, they’re trying to fetishize me and reduce me to something and they can’t even host so it’s like well yeah, you’re 40 But you can’t host I don’t get that but you know.
Marquece 13:31
Oh, that’s another issue about it.
Dimitrius 13:33
Oh, yeah.
Dimitrius 13:34
40 and can’t host, 40 and can’t host, and 40 and you have to be picked up.
Marquece 13:40
Yeah, it’s like if the only thing you really have to offer is that excuse me that dig and it’s like if the tickets not even that good. So then what what do you really have? That’s when it becomes like, okay, there’s nothing wrong with you. Yeah, and there’s definitely some there’s definitely some strings attached as in things that are covered up.
Xavier 14:03
And now let me open like, Oops, I have a wife oops, I you know, whatever else. And this is me personally, I have not ever been around men like that in a while like when I when I first when that was coming into myself maybe a little bit but at a very young age I just realized said that’s just not okay, like, I’m sorry.
Xavier 14:24
And it’s okay for me to like feel that way. I feel like because so many people I grew up parents at the time. Oh, you sell blues you I feel like you know, I don’t think that I’m bougie at all I said I just think that if I’m going to want something when I work very hard for it and if it’s manifested in my mind, and I feel like it’s there for me. If you dreamed it, then that’s for you.
Xavier 14:42
Okay, that’s for me personally. And that’s really not for you to even be concerned for. Right if you’re really concerned about what the hell I’m doing, go and pursuing and whatever the case may be. Or you’re you’re comparing apples to oranges or your your your interest to my interest and that’s your business, not mine, because I’m in competition with no one but myself.
Dimitrius 15:00
Right. So when a when it comes to fetish people who try to fetishize as what are some common red flags that you see? When you’re speaking to someone for the first time
Xavier 15:12
Beautiful camera boy? Oh my god and this older man, people of our age demographic, we can talk about them in a second. But like, if it’s older men, they say things that are like that, like, oh my god, you’re so beautiful. You’re my dream, boy. You just, oh my God, I’ve just never seen someone with that hair.
Xavier 15:38
Like it was just so beautiful and unique, which again, okay, all right, that’s fine. Well, then, you know, it’s different when I like to take it to comp again. And again. And again, I will say this, I’m always grateful for compliments. Because I do know things can be much worse. I could be you know, someone who’s morbidly obese and like, in my room bedridden for the rest of my life, to do anything at all.
Xavier 15:58
So I count my blessings. I always say thank you, I’m never gonna act like I’m too good to give a compliment. And I really and I will tell them our cases. Some of this often actually, I hate when I hear people who we know personally or not complain about getting hit on by men or women often, and, and the way they like, say they’re upset about it is in no way like, Oh, this guy like, Lilly called me beautiful. And like was it like gave me 20 bucks, he didn’t give me this much more, or he said it was pretty.
Xavier 16:25
He just sat there my bar and the whole night just, you know, with his friends being cool, but they kept pulling pretty good. I’m like, Hold on. Okay, so this person just complimented you and then you’re mad at them for doing that. They’re not like touching you. They just said you’re pretty and they they’re smiling at you, they’re with their friends. And my instance, I think maybe they might have been the most attractive person then if they were, you know, societal, like, if they fit societal norms of being, you know, pretty or handsome or the case, maybe we probably would have been different. So to me, that’s very much like selective outrage with a second.
Xavier 16:57
But like, I feel like you know, what you have to date? You don’t, you can just say thank you. Because that’s all you have to do. I mean, some people don’t, some people don’t aren’t treated okay at all. Like, just like, they’re not people overlook them just because of what they look like. And quite honestly, that’s kind of the reason why like people like you that they don’t, they’re not even treated like human beings, because you know, you look down upon them.
Xavier 17:17
Because indirectly, you know, you are attractive if you suffer from not suffer from abuse. And if you gain from pretty privileged, and you know what that is, like, that’s this be real here. And I really hope people don’t acknowledge that beauty is a gift. It’s nothing anyone ever deserves. It’s literally fate. And be grateful that you have it when you have it. Because it doesn’t last forever, sweetheart.
Dimitrius 17:38
It doesn’t. It doesn’t I see that a lot in a lot of the bars, the bars, I will see, you know, so we can be real good, we can be real cliquish Oh, and I will see I remember, I went out one time, and there was this guy at the bar. And I was sitting on the opposite side of him. But he was from what I gathered just based on his body language and how I was kind of interacting with people. He hadn’t been there before.
Dimitrius 18:08
And so he was just trying to, I guess, put himself out there and just interact with people, which I’m all about, like, if you are in a situation where you’re trying to get out and which is out there and meet new people. Absolutely do that in person and go to an environment where you’re going to feel safe doing that, instead of on a Facebook group or apps, you know, absolutely do that in person.
Dimitrius 18:35
But of course, it was one of those scenarios where the person on the other side of us he was trying to talk to them. And they were just acting like he was the most creepiest person on earth. And it was it did you turn to talk to me, and it was like this exact same words exact same phrasing. Like this person is just literally just trying to talk to people and meet Yep, it’s not that serious.
Dimitrius 18:57
Like you’re Yeah, he complimented me just like He complimented the other individual. And it was just like, okay, cool. I’m not looking for that right now. But at the same time, I’m not gonna sit here and act like you are literally trying to drag me off to the bathroom and stuff. Like it’s not it doesn’t require all that.
Xavier 19:16
So you’re human. Yes.
Dimitrius 19:19
Yes. Precisely.
Xavier 19:21
People forget that.
Marquece 19:22
There’s definitely a hierarchy with oh, it’s like if you don’t look a certain way if you don’t make enough money if you don’t hang out with the certain people, it’s like, We’re such a loving community, like our whole community is based on love. But some people just aren’t in it like they don’t realize the like discrimination that at all. Right, especially being black.
Xavier 19:50
Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Being black for sure. Like we were before we got on him. We weren’t talking about that. Like yeah, when you’re in Just like we’re talking about dating apps, like specifically, like black people are at the bottom of the totem pole. Okay?
Xavier 20:06
And I also don’t like when I hear other people in our community that are not of color or not, that are not black here can get upset when black people will say this. I’m like, Well, it’s the truth. So, like, it literally is the freaking truth. Yeah, like, we’re at the bottom of the totem pole, especially if you fit into like, certain societal like, norms where be feminine and masculine, obese, yeah, like skinny, fat, whatever you want to call it. Like, right, every different like, group within the marginalized diaspora black gayness, there’s that,
Dimitrius 20:42
Yes. Excellently and speaking about kind of pivoting back to red flags. So speaking of being a black person in the LGBTQ community, one of my red flags, of course, is when and nothing against any race of people. But when I do get hit up by one of the white gays or bisexual gays, where they, it’s immediately apparent that this is their first time trying out this experience with the male child.
Dimitrius 21:12
And they think that their first time needs to be with a black guy, because they have huge dicks. And I have had to tell a few of them. Listen, just because you watch porn, does not mean that you are ready for a nine inch dick, it doesn’t mean that. Okay? Should absolutely you should absolutely consider getting to know the person first and all that other good stuff before you just jump into that because you don’t know what you’re capable of just yet.
Dimitrius 21:43
And so maybe your first time doesn’t need to be like that what you saw on porn a few seconds before talking to me, maybe you need to just slow down a bit and really think things through a little bit. So that’s usually a red flag, and I can’t really put it into like, specific words. It’s more like for me, it’s like a vibe when I’m talking to one of these individuals I pick up on okay, I know where this is leading.
Dimitrius 22:07
You are not really interested in like something serious. What you’re interested in is scratching an itch. And I’m not here for that. I’m here for a connection. So it also goes back to cutting out trade once a week. But there it really is, like you mentioned it, people don’t that’s not something that I can really explain to someone that’s not you all. It Correct. People don’t get what I’m talking about.
Dimitrius 22:33
They’re like, I don’t I don’t think about it that way. Well, of course you didn’t you don’t have to. They’re not empathetic. But just take my word for it. Like I’m not making this up. I don’t have a reason to. So So yeah, so Okay. Talking about the masculine folks, let’s talk about the femme versus mask. Discourse. What are your views on people who only seek out masculine partners?
Marquece 23:03
Oh, girl. Honestly, I’m just not the one to judge someone for what they’re seeking. Honestly, it really could come down from something from childhood trauma, or just a validation for them. Truthfully. I think most people just look for protection, like someone to take care of them. But most of the time, they just look for something that they like within themselves.
Xavier 23:27
Yeah, correct. Yeah, absolutely. That’s it.
Xavier 23:32
For me, personally, like if we’re going to just speak about like person, like what I seek after if it’s masculine, feminine energy. I feel like I like balanced mind both pretty well. And that is like multiple forms, like my fashion sense. Like, I literally have people always commenting on my fashion compliments and indirect shade.
Xavier 23:53
Like oh, there she is wearing a crop top. Oh my god, of course. Yeah, I’m gonna craft up. Okay, cool. But then, you know, the other day I was wearing with a really cool bomber jacket that had like some anime or something like Dragon Phoenix stuff on it. Then I have other chains here.
Xavier 24:07
You know, I, I feel like people who just like seek after like, the masculine feminine energy, like you said, it’s definitely based off of like, what they are lacking. And sometimes it’s what they truly want to be as well to like, they they want to be that person or they want that confidence that someone else has in them in themselves.
Dimitrius 24:26
Yeah, I also, I also think it’s a sense of we missed out a lot of us missed out on a lot of the experiences that our hetero counterparts got to experience in their youth, as far as dating, and a lot of us weren’t able to do that in middle school or high schools. And so right, we remember back then, of what was considered attractive and a man.
Dimitrius 24:26
And of course, that was from a woman’s perspective, right? And we see though, remember those days exchange, they were so imprinted on us and forced on us that we are still kind of wrestling with trying to relive what we missed out on. I think that’s a lot of it. And I think that it’s some of it to some of it can be internalized homophobia, I don’t want to put that under like this umbrella where it’s all internalized homophobia.
Dimitrius 25:23
Yes, I was like that, too. I was like that to where I predominantly wanted masculine people I didn’t, you know, I wanted someone who I would like even someone mentioned before, feel safe around, I didn’t want to, if something happens, I’m not gonna I can’t, I can’t fight, I’m not going to be you know, trying to tear somebody off, have you back in any way? Now? I’m like, Well, I have a taser.
Dimitrius 25:45
So no matter. But. But now it’s, it’s more. So when I did this self reflection, and I did the work. And it’s self improvement to figure out a lot of things about myself, where now it’s like, Yes, I’m still very feminine, but at the same time, I, at the end of the day, you’re still going to have what I’m attracted to. Because makeup comes off, heels come off. All that is not permanent, I guess is what I’m trying to say it’s more so like, just the person, like, it’s just whether the person presents a certain way or not. For me, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Dimitrius 26:26
I don’t need that protection, or that to be seen with someone like that, I guess or to or that I’m lacking that energy. It’s more so that I just want to and especially with my experiences, dealing with trade and dealing with how awful some of them are. It was kind of like, you know what, that you?
Dimitrius 26:47
Let’s kind of course correct here and focus on the person. And so from there, it really did it shifted where it’s not really important, masculine, feminine. What’s important is are you just a decent human being? Because you already have everything that I’m looking for, regardless of how you present
Marquece 27:05
100%? Me?
Dimitrius 27:07
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Seeking. So talking about? So shifting from dating to actual relationships? What do you feel was your most and least successful relationship?
Xavier 27:23
Marquece, you want to give a talk about that?
Marquece 27:29
I mean, I will say, I’ve never been in like a fully committed relationship. It was, I guess, more or less situation ships. But I mean, I really don’t consider that. I mean, you know, we will hook up or do things together. And obviously, feelings are developed. But it never really has turned into like straight commitment.
Marquece 27:56
Most of it is usually just misconstruction or just lacking emotional intelligence, and also law is man just are me just realizing that I was just a fetish to them, or just an ego boost, I get that. Yeah, it’s really hard for me to, it’s hard for me to commit sometimes, you know, we have things that we’re still working on.
Marquece 28:17
But I’m confident enough to recognize that type of behavior, I think you just need to learn and grow from mistakes, which I’ll definitely carry on with me to whatever my future relationships may be. But I’m definitely able to kind of see how things go and see me from their perspective and how they view me.
Dimitrius 28:39
Absolutely. Well, I’ll put it out there. I am, like a lot of gays who really have not been in a relationship that made it past the six month phase consecutively. I did date someone on and off for like four years. But we didn’t make it past the six months stage consecutively. And that number of months. And that was my but that was also my most successful relationship.
Dimitrius 29:10
Because we ended it, it was kind of like we just realized, you know what, we still have some growing up to do. And maybe sometime in the future, we can find each other again or something. But right now, I think it’s just that we need to separate and kind of go on our own little journeys in discover ourselves, that sort of thing. I didn’t want a carry and big situation. I didn’t want that.
Dimitrius 29:36
Or we just can’t we end up married and then you look back and you’re like really alter. So I’m glad that it ended on those terms. I still talk to that person every day. Not every day, but at least once a week. And in that and but my least I would say my least successful relationship was when I think it was when I dated the person. Yeah. I’m gonna add the person.
Dimitrius 30:01
And like I mentioned earlier, midway through our little three month scent, I just kind of discovered before they even discovered, I was like, I think you’re just in this because you want to scratch an itch. And I’m not doing that for you anymore. So that was probably when I was like, oh, we should have avoided this altogether. But I think it’s important for people to know that it’s not so uncommon, especially for us gays to have an extensive list of people who didn’t make it past three to six months.
Dimitrius 30:39
For some of us, that’s pretty dang long. To be honest. I think that’s common in our community where we see that happening, and where things go really, really fast. But yeah, this is I wanted to point that out, I wanted to put that out there for people listening, like, Hey, if you were like me, and you are looking back and you’re going, dang, I’ve never had a relationship that lasted like a year or longer or something like that.
Dimitrius 31:01
You’re not alone. It happens. We are not like our federal counterparts where we had all this time in our formative years to kind of figure a lot of this out. And we’re still figuring it out. Because there’s no guidebook. There’s no movies, there’s no books, there’s no, no, you have hetero normative relationships in all aspects of your media, your day to day where everything you have so many depictions, we don’t have hardly anything.
Dimitrius 31:31
We have Noah’s Ark. That’s it. Literally, I think that was the only thing. I was so thankful when I found that show at some random video store. I was like, wait a minute, what is this? And I started watching that I was like, Oh, my God, thank you. Finally, something that resembles anything close to what I deal with.
Dimitrius 31:50
So yeah, just don’t don’t beat yourself up about that. You know, you don’t have you didn’t get the same start. And you don’t have any, any, if at all guidebooks on how to do this correctly? Not at all. But it has, it just has to start with you. I mean, that’s really
Xavier 32:07
Yeah, because a lot of people, whether they’re, like an hour Asian or graphic or not still believe that being gay is a lifestyle. And I really despise, and I mean, low with that term, in the whole, like, subscribing lifestyle thing, as if it’s some type of, you know, game, like, I’m in, like, I’m a Sims character.
Xavier 32:28
And I chose like this path. And the end game is just to be this way, you know, right. Because some people they truly don’t believe that. It’s like who they really are, then there’s just like, you know, they’re lost and lala land and some kind of evil disease or some whatever whatever bullcrap they want to make up just to make themselves feel better. They’re deeply rooted narcissism, right? I know. Yeah.
Xavier 32:50
And like you said, Yeah, we don’t have and I mentioned that multiple times, with friends. I’m like, you know, we never really had like, that, like, the dating pool phase, when we were younger, and got to like, you know, date people are, like, see what we like and things like that. Even if it was young and puppy love and stupid.
Xavier 33:05
Like, some people still got to even have that. And even those, like dumb, young, popular, people who are straight, narrow, still, at least had something that like, made them like, you know, wake up, you know, from their own personal experience, you know, for us, like, that’s why didn’t we feel like we’re very, a lot of gays are very just hypersexual, yes. Because of that, like, literally just because they never had anything else. So when you become an adult, like, you’re basically are on like, 10, just for any type of gratification. Yeah.
Xavier 33:33
And I feel like it just also stems from like, you know, not enough, you know, people giving you positive reinforcement. And again, this is all personal for every person, every person has their own mental, you know, stability, their own mental capacity where they can, like, only take so much of certain dates. I know mine, I’m no, I’m pretty resilient, just just based off of what I had to deal with personally.
Xavier 33:56
And, again, I wouldn’t ever want to put anything, anyone through the stuff that I went through. So I’m just like, hey, just because I went through it doesn’t mean that it’s something I would wish on anybody else. Like, it’s never okay. Just like yeah, of course, but also do know this. I know many hetero men could never walk a day in our shoes, not even even try. They can even put on the socks.
Xavier 34:16
Like they couldn’t even put on the socks we they could not even Bear WHAT THE HELL we’ve gone through. Especially if you’re a person of color. Like, just based off of how we are like in society right now and relationships alone. Like you see you have Noah’s Ark. And there’s other really like new things that like I was telling Marquis, like we have moonlight which is a great film. If anyone hasn’t seen the marquis, he likes that girl.
Xavier 34:38
Okay. It’s another good one. And there’s even also some other cartoons in cartoon characters like which one of my favorite superheroes Aqua lad, he is like a gay superhero and it’s not his whole personality. It’s just, you know, a pillar. It’s like not the foundation. It’s a part of it. That’s just one facet of me and a lot of times people just believe that being gay, it’s just their whole personality.
Xavier 35:05
And sometimes it’s the gays and sometimes it’s the Herodotus I believe that as well to like you can tell some people believe that I can I can meet somebody and like, okay, they believe that being gay is like their entire personality. Then I can also meet somebody who’s a header person, like, oh, they think that being gay, it’s like everything to me.
Xavier 35:22
No, it’s not. It’s really not. It’s really not I even had some people when I’m in a new environment, like, be surprised that Oh, you’re gay. I’m like, I mean, what? I mean, was I supposed to just say that I, you know, suck penis. Okay, like, am I supposed to like, it just depends on you know, how I’m feeling the day I like I said, I feel like my masculine and feminine energies, like I, it just depends on how I’m feeling like, um, you know, it shows, it shows up when it shows up, it doesn’t when it doesn’t, that’s just who I am.
Xavier 35:53
And at that moment, you know, they’re always surprised that a gay guy can be into like, anime and video games and stuff like that, or like, like to play certain sports and do martial arts. And just like, you know, there’s plenty of people who are just like this, that you probably don’t even know about yourself. And you’re right now probably indirectly keeping them from even sharing it from you with your close mindedness.
Dimitrius 36:14
Exactly. Exactly. And I want to touch on when mentioning people will make na their entire personality, because I see on social media where you’ll have this resentment for us, because we, quote unquote, make it our our entire personality.
Dimitrius 36:34
And I take that and I’m like, Well, wait a minute, because so background, I’m from West Texas, and, you know, we’re Friday Night Lights was that’s what that’s about that whole area. And but I growing up there, I have a lot of heterosexual male friends. And we go out to the bars and stuff. And, you know, they ordered their little Coors Light, and I’m like, I don’t know what, I’m going to order. I have the
Xavier 37:01
thing because you’re so right. It’s Coors, Miller,
Dimitrius 37:03
Coors Miller, and I’m like, what is that? What is that? And they’re like, What? Can I have a martini? Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m the person they have to they have to send somebody from the kitchen out and ask me, which. What is it? Which Jan I want in my dirty martini.
Dimitrius 37:25
And I’m like having to read the list. And they’re looking at me like, are you serious? This is Buffalo Wild Wings. Like, we’re doing this here. And I’m like, Yes. I didn’t ask to come here. Y’all want to come to this funky ass place. And look at me. I’m
Xavier 37:37
getting what I want. Let me be comfortable. Right? So I supposed to drink piss water? What me? I want to y’all have wine. If not just me. Just give me a Long Island. If that’s the case, all right, you know? Yeah.
Dimitrius 37:53
And so and thinking about that, and how I’m able to easily get into those spaces, and hang with people who are heterosexual males, the very people that some of these dudes be trying so hard to appeal to? Would they want to admit it or not? Yeah, and I’m just being myself.
Dimitrius 38:12
And they literally, I’m gonna tell you, they literally are the ones who are about shit about anything. They don’t care. They don’t they don’t care. If you are a cool person and you are just being yourself. They do not care. I can come in with heels makeup, you’re like, okay, whatever, bro. Do you you hungry? That’s it. That’s it.
Dimitrius 38:35
Like it’s not even that serious. And so going back to making it your whole personality, it’s like well, let’s flip the switch then. Because some of you make being as heteronormative looking as possible, your entire personality. Correct. So tit for tat, it’s I mean, it’s the same thing.
Dimitrius 38:54
So why not focus on again just being yourself and maybe some maybe you do have to be over the top for a little bit until you figure that out? That’s when I think a lot of that is to maybe they do need to be annoying and over exaggerating all aspects of their identity for a minute until they figure out they don’t got to do all that what they need. I’m okay with that.
Dimitrius 39:18
But what I’m not okay with is shaming someone who maybe is a little bit too damn extra sometimes, you know, whatever, but shaming them and making them the face of everything that’s wrong on planet Earth. I don’t subscribe to that means again let’s flip this switch my gears Yeah, because again, you can flip the switch and go will shoot you do pretty much the same thing anyway. Yeah.
Xavier 39:39
So like I was saying before that’s that’s selective outrage for sure. Yeah.
Dimitrius 39:43
And homophobic people and homophobic people are going to be homophobic anyway. No matter how you present.
Xavier 39:49
Most of the whole public for everything they’ll they’ll find a reason we’ll definitely find a reason most of
Marquece 39:54
The men who come for gay men are honestly gay themselves. Right? Right. They are scared to confront, and I get that you’re projecting. It’s totally fine. Yeah, they are to affect me. I’m so sorry.
Dimitrius 40:07
Yeah. And once you lay once you break that down where you’re like, yeah, it’s mostly projection on that aspect of it. And then you see how the ones who are worth a damn, literally don’t care how you present, then it’s like, okay, it’s a lot easier to digest that and to see it for what it is. Absolutely.
Marquece 40:25
Which is what we see almost every single night when we go to the strip, just gaze projecting.
Xavier 40:30
Oh, projecting, for sure. projecting on our fashion protecting on our looks projecting on why we haven’t done ABCDEFG with ABCDEFG. So I mean, it’s crazy. Like, let’s just talk about that, if you don’t mind really quickly, because Oh, yeah, we can talk about that, too. Yeah, I have. I had people asking me, when was the last time I hooked up with somebody? I’m like, you know, because they don’t seem with anyone.
Xavier 40:58
I’m like, Well, I’ve never seen with anybody. I’m just like, first of all, you’re paying really close attention to what I do. There’s, first of all, and secondly, like, if, if you’re worried about like what I’m doing, like, I don’t know why because I, I’m not worried about anybody but myself. And these are the same people who I said, Like, Comment on my fashion and, like, indirect, it’s like the nice nasty thing.
Xavier 41:21
Sometimes you can tell when like, they’re just saying it you know, just see these like, silly, you know, just like nitpick, like to get you know, this be a little cute little light heart joke. Okay, cool. But I know when they’re being like, serious, if it’s like around certain people or around a good group of people. I’m just like, Okay, now like, now you’re saying this because you’re probably envious or jealous of something.
Xavier 41:42
And me myself, I’m the least problematic person Marquis can vouch for this. And even the people who like saying this combat for this for this themselves as well, too. I’m the one that literally goes out and has fun. I rarely even drink when I go out. I’m the virtuous friend, I make sure everyone’s okay. Like, if I’m having anything to drink, it’s probably wine at dinner time with food and not really out and about, like, I might have a shot here and there.
Xavier 42:07
But like, they’re typically very sweet. Like, I go out to dance, because I’m a dancer, I Vogue. Like that’s like my like area, I go out just for the vibes completely only. But if you’re sitting over, you’re worried about, like, who I have hooked up with and who I haven’t done and what I’m wearing all the time.
Xavier 42:25
And that definitely tells me that you’re paying very close attention to me, because let’s just say if I was doing anything like that, you probably be jealous of me or wanting to know why I’ve done that with somebody and try and start some drama or because you’re wondering why am I in it yourself? Right?
Marquece 42:40
And to make a comment on this, when they come for your fashion, meaning Xavier, we are always together. And it’s not like I go out dressing trade. I’m in my little club tops and bobbing in shorts. If it’s warm enough,
Xavier 42:53
I’ll sometimes Come like light trade but Marquece fish.
Marquece 43:03
When people make comments on Xavier’s fashion, it’s like, how is that any different than me? That just shows that it’s just a personal issue that that person has with Xavier or just Yeah, it’s like, you know, you can say the same things to him. You can say that to me as well. You know, it’s very weird for me. And it’s something that I noticed and definitely confronted people on.
Xavier 43:29
Yeah, like, Y’all are so worried about me. I’m like, Oh, my goodness, like seriously? I don’t know. I don’t know. I think it’s when when you’re somebody who’s just very confident in your own skin. And you’re like, genuinely, like, genuinely have no ill will or any, you know, discrepancies with anybody.
Xavier 43:46
They will try and find something. It’s like, there’s no way there’s no way Well, yeah, there’s a way because like, what’s the point of me making enemies? I don’t we’re already in a marginalized community today. Why? Why would I want to make any enemies with people who are supposed to like my brothers, okay? Like, seriously, like, Guys, we already had to go through so much as children, a lot of us had, some of us didn’t, and those who didn’t have to go that, honestly, congratulations.
Xavier 44:08
And I, I’m happy for you, because I wouldn’t ever want a gay person that grew up like, you know, hateful, like around that. Like, I have friends who like had a great childhood, their parents, oh, my god, I love you, whatever. I’m like, great. I’m happy for you. I’m not gonna sit here to be bad. But like, a lot of us, the ones that I know personally have not have not dealt with that, especially those of color, especially those of color.
Dimitrius 44:30
I think they also see that you’re we’re all on the moral alternative side of things. And we’re still able to navigate so many spaces that people think that we shouldn’t be able to navigate. Correct have experiences that people think we shouldn’t be able to experience because oh yeah, we’re supposed to just be little, you know, background characters who just fade security. We’re not entertaining being a source of entertainment for someone.
Dimitrius 44:57
And so when they see that oh, No, we actually have some stuff going on. And we actually have careers. We have goals. Oh, yeah. dreams that are coming through. Yeah. And they can’t take it. They are just like, What? What is this? Like, I don’t get it. That’s what goes back to the. Well, I haven’t seen you with anybody because it’s a comparison they’re trying to figure out. Well, I need to make sure I’m at least a few steps ahead of this alternative. Yes. Okay. It’s like,
Xavier 45:26
Yeah, exactly. There’s some kind of competition. Sweetheart, there’s no competition.
Xavier 45:32
There’s no competition at all. Like, and like, if there was a competition, I’m already the person who’s very competitive. So I probably wouldn’t be the same. So I am, I’m always playing chess. Okay. I’m the calculator. Professor X. I’m ready.
Dimitrius 45:50
Yeah. So it reminds me, I don’t want to, like get too much into work or anything. But it just reminds me of a time where I had an a co worker who was, of course, gay and everything. And I remember it was like, maybe my first or second interaction with this person.
Dimitrius 46:09
And of course, I want to speak to this person, because Oh, my God, another gay person. in corporate America, we got to figure this out, we have to, like be each other’s best friends right now. But, of course, it was like that cold kind of interaction. Like, of course, like, the reason that I was in the department and in this person’s vicinity, in the first place, was because I had been moved up into doing other things, where I was interacting with vice presidents, executive directors, you know, all white people, and getting FaceTime with him every day, pretty much.
Dimitrius 46:43
So after that interaction, they went back to their desk, they could still see mine. And then like, I think two or three VPS, and executive directors came to my desk, because they needed for me to kind of educate them on something and kind of give them a rundown for an important project. And so they saw that they saw me interacting with these people who are like, top level, whatever, whatever, with ease, and super comfortable and everything.
Dimitrius 47:13
And then, of course, later on, we started to we decided we could warm up and go talk to feminine gay guy, and oh, my gosh, did you watch that show last night? I didn’t actually. But um, thank you for playing. So it was kind of like, that sort of thing where you’re just like, okay, they I just wish that we wouldn’t wait and offer them. Yes.
Xavier 47:36
Yes. I really wish they wouldn’t. Key to your key to something for them.
Dimitrius 47:41
Yeah, your key and they wait until you’re in proximity to something.
Xavier 47:46
That’s what you call an opportunistic? Yes. That’s what you call an opportunist. Okay.
Dimitrius 47:53
And I see that too. I see that to date. And Kim, I really
Xavier 47:56
despise opportunist, they the worst types of people. They’re basically narcissists. And they’re basically narcissists. They’re not they haven’t fully evolved yet. But they’re, they’re like level one. Yes,
Marquece 48:09
precisely, touching back to, you know, some guys just have not been able to experience the way that they wish they could. Now back then, most of the drama that I noticed and see is all just adolescent drama. It’s learned and grown. Yeah, it’s, it’s embarrassing to see, I will say,
Dimitrius 48:33
it’s very difficult to watch, when you know that, that’s what it is. Because you’re just thinking to yourself, Gosh, I really just want better for you. And for you to realize you don’t have to do all this.
Dimitrius 48:47
You don’t have to be this way. Like you, I get like, you get to the point where you see where that’s coming from. And you’re like, oh, gosh, maybe you really download. You don’t have to do all this. Like, there is a whole big old world out there outside of this little clique that you’re in and you just don’t see it yet. Just don’t see
Marquece 49:04
it yet. And only be at the strip.
Dimitrius 49:06
Yeah, yeah, I see a lot of that I see where, because I’ve been on the strip a few times. I don’t go very often, but I’ve been in situations where I notice where I’m like, you think that this one little bar is the only place on Earth that matters. And it doesn’t.
Dimitrius 49:24
Exactly and you can exist outside of this space, and be okay and have an identity and make friends even. You don’t have to be so contained. This isn’t like we mentioned High School where you have to be here every day. You have to exist in this space. And there’s very little for you to do outside of it. You have so much that you can go out and discover about yourself and just about everything in general.
Marquece 49:51
Honestly, I I try to stay away from the strip sometimes. I mean, if I go it’s in celebration of someone or I just you know, haven’t gotten a while and I want to just be in a safe space and dance, whatever. But I just really prefer going to straight clubs, bars most of the time.
Marquece 50:07
I just feel I don’t know, I feel it’s weird to say this, but I feel more accepted in a way and I just meet cool people I actually meet and make connections that honestly could benefit me in the future. You know, yeah, I was like, there’s people that you can meet in a club setting. Like, there are people that you can just like, sit down and talk and learn from them. As opposed to having some gauges, projects, all of your issues onto you on the strip is like I do I meet more meaningful people in strip clubs or bars,
Dimitrius 50:42
saying, and that’s, and I’ll say that, I wish it wasn’t that way. I will say that I wish it was I wish it was the exact opposite, where it was like, I want to go to the strip and musi who I can meet and connect with and do all this other stuff. I wish it was the opposite. But people don’t understand that, especially for the people like us on this call right now. Where it’s kind of like, we’re just like, you know, what, we’re just going to find our own space to navigate and, you know, put our feet down.
Dimitrius 51:12
And this is where our home is for me. And I wish I wish that we I wish it wasn’t I mean, I really do. I wish it wasn’t that way, I wish it was the opposite. Because that was something that I struggled with was wanting to find a place where I felt like I belonged. Until one day I was like Dimitrius, plant your feet right now, wherever you decide you want to belong, that is where you belong. And from there, I was just like, you know, what, if I’m in like an LGBTQ group, or gay men’s group, or whatever, and I don’t feel like this is the place I need to be fine.
Dimitrius 51:46
I’ll go someplace, find some place where I feel comfortable, first and foremost. And that will be the place where I belong. And from there, it’s just whoever comes into my orbit. And who does it so so just what do you feel? Looking back to relationships? In? We talked a little bit about your, our backgrounds and everything like that. If you could summarize, what do you feel has shaped your current stance on how you want your future relationships to work,
Xavier 52:18
I would say for me personally, having emotional intelligence and some people don’t even know what that phrase is, then that right there tells me that you have a lot of maturing to do as an adult, if you can’t pick up on and that kind of coincides with like picking up on social cues, and just being aware of like your surroundings.
Xavier 52:36
And for me personally, like I was saying, like interests are very important to me. Like some people like say, opposites attract, yes, they do attract. But I feel like if we have a common interest, and for me personally, like that’s going to make me want to be around even more. Because like we have something we can share that we both like we like these, like things separate this separately before we even met each other. And then when we’re coming together, for me personally, like oh, you know what introduced me to something else that I didn’t even know about this about, you know, we can help each other grow with this comp, these common interests that we have.
Xavier 53:05
But I’m gonna like the super serious side as well, too. This is so basic, but intelligence I really can’t I don’t have time for idiotic people. I really don’t. I and I’m not trying to sound gaudy in like some like, Oh, I know everything, but I truly just have to be around somebody who’s close to my intelligence completely. Because that’s just very, very important to me as a person. And looks I’m gonna say the I’m gonna say this little two people can lie on you and say that look on everything, but they definitely fucking are. I’m sorry. Like in society, they definitely fucking are maybe like, if you have to be attractive somebody, but they are definitely not number one.
Xavier 53:39
And they’re not number two, they’re somewhere like, a download on the list. But they’re important. They’re important. I’m not going to ever deny that because that’d be very, very ignorant. Like I, I’d be I have to be aware of like what I am. But no, like intelligence, it is number one, like, please just be intelligent and like, you know, be empathetic as well. Like, have some empathy for not just for me, but like how you treat other people. It’s important, like how you treat your other friends, like where you stand with like, people you consider your family, whether that be blood related or not, because I know some people have family that are not blood related as well.
Xavier 54:15
You know, just how you treat other people. Because, you know, people always say love is blind. And I know some people are more adept to like treating their lover or partner and giving them a lot more leniency than they do other people for certain things. And you might be you know, unaware of that as somebody in the relationship or pursuing a relationship with this with someone else like oh, they’re always nice to me.
Xavier 54:38
Well, they’re not like that with me. What do you mean? And the you explain the see for yourself like with without them knowing? Then that’s when it’s like, okay, well hold on. Well, we haven’t ever gotten into an argument or things have only been really good or I never knew that they were that way with you. I’m very big on that. Like if you have to be in good standing with people who you are around often as well too. Like I don’t want to just be the only person that You’re always nice too, because then I feel like that’s just very, very to face to view. Like, what are your true intentions? And what Who are you really behind behind this facade? Because that to me is essentially a sociopath.
Marquece 55:12
Yeah, 100%. And another thing I look for is confidence, I need you to be comfortable within yourself, because Dimitrius I’m sure you can relate to this. But I mean, it’s really hard for me to form a genuine connection, you know, being the way that I am. Men are often intimidated by my confidence and my self sense of, or my sense of self worth.
Marquece 55:42
And, you know, we can talk for how a period of time, but it gets to a point where they sort of become apprehensive once they realize how real it could have been. And it’s like, I think they kind of sit back and kind of think to themselves, like, maybe I’m just not, maybe I’m not up to their standards, you know, it’s like, you need to come into this, like, fully confident and knowing what you want. It’s it for me it with that, like going into my future relationships.
Marquece 56:16
Like, I always have my guard up, I can never put all my eggs in one basket, because that’s usually what I have to deal with. It’s like I talked to guys, it goes well, but then they kind of pull back in a way and I don’t really know the reason why they would much rather just not tell me. But it honestly all just trickles down to just the way that I am. I even had a guy tell me that lo he kind of broke off communications with me, but then he ended up coming back into my life. And he just apologized for his actions.
Marquece 56:53
And I was like, I’m not really I’m sorry. Like, apologizing just really just just doesn’t do it for me anymore. It’s like, you know what, you were doing the situation, you’re aware of it and you made your decision based off that. So then I ended up asking, and I was like, what was the real issue? Like, I’m gonna be honest, like, Was it because of just you know, how feminine I am myself and how just comfortable I am. And he straight up said yes. So I was like, okay, yeah. I was like, Okay, this is literally this is what I needed. And then he you know, just
Xavier 57:28
just call me FHG. Bitch.
Marquece 57:31
Just, like, just say, I’m out of your league, and it was an ego boost, just say it. Yeah, but it really it’s a fucked up situation. Because, you know, you really could have had someone who genuinely liked you, for you. And I think surrounding yourself with someone, as you know, treat yourself with someone with that level of competence and just how in tune I am. With myself. I think you learn a lot from that. You know? Absolutely. We’re in a relationship it’s important to learn and grow with each other.
Dimitrius 58:08
Yeah, yeah, I can I can I agree with that. They do be intimidated when you as a feminine gay man can sit there and make them realize that okay, but this is not a detriment to me, like this. I can still function and have confidence in myself and I can make things happen for myself.
Dimitrius 58:30
And they do they start to realize that okay, like, I like what I was saying earlier, they realized that they can’t use you as a barometer for their own success in life. Because they need to be doing that just for themselves. And so they do they take a step back and they reflect and they’re like, I don’t know how to take this and I’ve dealt with that as well. I have dealt with that.
Dimitrius 58:57
And potential relationships. I’ve even dealt with that in friendships where I met someone for the first time like just on a friend level we communicated online or something and we met and they were just immediately just like, oh my gosh, and then later on they told me I just really intimidated by you because they couldn’t really tell me why because I was like, Okay, I’m like five foot three and heels so I don’t know how and Tim I don’t know how I scared you hiding because I you know whatever but it’s it’s also the kind of the way that we carry ourselves and the way that we are I don’t know about you all but just kind of not super blind.
Dimitrius 59:35
I don’t like being blunt. I like to just be concise and duress that’s in prep. That’s the right word. Yeah. And yeah, and transparent. I’m not blunt, you know, people say they’re blunt. They’re just rude as hell. I say concise. Like you’re just a bitch. Shut up. Yeah, what Yeah, exactly. And I just I like to just get to the point and I like to say what I mean and and make sure that you understand that I meaning what I say.
Dimitrius 1:00:04
And I think that’s what a lot of times intimidates people. It’s because they are used to that indirect, Catty, bitchy kind of thing. And I’m like, oh, yeah, I don’t do that. I don’t have time for that. I really don’t. And so it does, it throws them off. And Xavier is going back to what you were saying about the intelligence, because and I’m glad that you said that, because there’s really no way around that. Right.
Dimitrius 1:00:32
There’s really no way and I hate because when I’m on my social media profiles, I try not to call people dumb until when to when I’m interacting with them. But sometimes it’s just like, look, it’s not that you’re dumb. It’s that you refuse to take the time to take the additional 30 seconds to think about something. It’s not that you’re just dumb, and you’re incapable of understanding.
Dimitrius 1:00:58
You’re lazy. What I’m saying, yes, you’re just lazy. You’re just lazy. And you don’t want it anyone can think critically well, you know, people, people have the capacity to think clearly critical disaster, the time. And it’s a case where you are just refusing to do so. That’s what I don’t have the patience for. That’s what I ignore. I joke around all the time. And I tell people, I don’t have time for a dude that’s talking about what you mean, in text all the time. You know, one time you got one or two times? You got one or two times? Oh, yeah. That one or two times and you don’t
Marquece 1:01:37
talk about what you mean. I am quick to end that. No. Yeah.
Xavier 1:01:43
I’m not explaining paragraph by by.
Marquece 1:01:46
Yeah, no, done, then relax. I’m not worried.
Xavier 1:01:52
I’m not gonna lie.
Marquece 1:01:56
That’s just like, I’m really big. On communication, like, yes, things get complicated when people aren’t honest with each other. And it just creates a gray area where those people tend to hide. And I feel like with those kind of people, they’re often guilty about something.
Marquece 1:02:15
Like, have you ever seen someone growing up wasn’t guilty? It’s like, just, we’re adults come to me and communicate, express your emotions, that’s also a part of emotional intelligence. It’s like, you can just leave me in this space to just figure it out on my own, because I will. I have a skill set in espionage. I am a detective, I will figure out something. I shouldn’t have to do that type of work, because it really takes a toll on me. You know?
Dimitrius 1:02:44
It does. It does. And emotional intelligence. Yes. So the thing about that people call it an EQ. And to think about that is you that is not something that’s set in stone, your emotional, I don’t have the word for the key part. But your EQ is not something that is like an IQ, it you’re able to get it to a certain point no matter where it is.
Dimitrius 1:03:09
So I look for the fact that maybe, if you’re not quite where I’m at, on, we’re not on the same wavelength, I need to see that you’re willing to, that you’re or No, not that just that you’re willing to that you are putting in the work to work on yourself. And to do that self reflection, self improvement, I will say I do have a little bit of patience for that. Because you are at least trying to get yourself to a place where you can do the work.
Dimitrius 1:03:37
And if I can be a part of that process. Absolutely. I’m down for that I’m down for, you know, being a place where you feel safe, navigating all of that and what it takes to get yourself to a certain point, I am here for that. But it’s when the majority of time where you are not trying to do the work.
Dimitrius 1:03:57
And it’s very clear to me that you still have a lot of growing up to do. And you are instead just like we’ve mentioned earlier, just projecting a lot of things on myself and people around you. So I would say those three things, intelligence, emotional intelligence, and being Marquis, like you mentioned just being confident in yourself.
Marquece 1:04:20
Let me add patience to this as well. Patients Okay, and I can attest to this. I you know, some people just have the days where they’re dealing with something mentally, me personally, I tend to kind of disassociate and just kind of disappear. It’s really because I need you to self reflect if there’s something about my behavior that just didn’t like I need to just kind of sit with myself and just kind of figure it out.
Marquece 1:04:50
I have issues I will say I can admit to that and I’m really not ashamed of it. But what I can say is that I’m working on it and you No one’s perfect. I’m not perfect. My intentions are always pure. So going into relationship, you really just need to have that patience and understand that that person possibly could be going through the same thing as you if not worse, or even something my own.
Marquece 1:05:18
But I mean, you know, sometimes they will need time for themselves, they need a certain, like, they need they have they have a certain way of communicating and they would want that reciprocated. But I mean, patients, I definitely can go a long way.
Dimitrius 1:05:36
Absolutely. Yes, for sure. I’m glad you brought that up. Because, yes, I think I will put it out there, that I can be very impatient. And that I will because, you know, we like I mentioned earlier, I deal with a lot of guys that are just completely in a habit.
Dimitrius 1:05:54
And so you kind of get to the point where you’re like, super ready to be like at the first offense to be like, ah by Sia. So, yeah, yeah. And so I do want to make sure that I’m caught, you know, cognizant of the fact that there are, there are some things where we can give a little bit of grace to the individual.
Dimitrius 1:06:19
And it’s just figuring out what those things are, because there are still things that I’m not going to have time for, or Ooh, sorry, but, but then there are things where maybe we can just give them this time to talk about it. And then just go from there.
Xavier 1:06:36
Because, you know, in situations like that, when it comes to like being patient with people and like giving them time, and like how you were saying, like, you know, I’m already mentally prepared ready for you to like, you know, you’re just like, Okay, well, you see this, I’m ready for that. I’m ready to counter the council.
Xavier 1:06:53
And wait a counter, I’m ready to parry I’m ready to block. Okay, everything you have to say we’re we’re we’re fencing, I’m jousting, okay, maybe this is right, at this point. But the crazy thing about like, when it comes to like, just even dating, whatever phase it is, like, you truly are starting over from the beginning, every time you meet someone new, if you think about it, like you have to give them the same amount of innocence and respect and like think that their intentions are damn near as good as yours, even if they aren’t in the beginning.
Xavier 1:07:24
Because you don’t know. Like, you could say something and be they actually are, you know, just like you and then you fuck it up, because you assume just based on for your other previous experiences, that that is the same way. And this is coming from the body, you know, was heard this from like, therapists and people will talk to you know about relationships with like that.
Xavier 1:07:41
So it’s like, okay, you know, what, hey, I have my experience. I know, I’ve been treated badly by other people. But even if I’m meeting someone else new, I still have to give them like the same, you know, respect I gave the person who I met for the very first time as if I’m someone completely new, and I’ve never dated anyone before.
Xavier 1:07:58
Because if you don’t, then at that point, and you are kind of like the backward? Well, you’re only saying that because Sol Sol Sol Sol Sol Sol didn’t see you at that point. Yours like, hold on? Well, I can’t, like I can’t say I’m this good person, or I can see on this and that when I’m literally using my past my past experiences to justify my behavior.
Dimitrius 1:08:18
Right. Right. Exactly. I’m glad you brought that up. Because yeah, that is something we need to think about. Where are we like you mentioned, are we giving this person? The clean slate? Yep.
Dimitrius 1:08:29
That we would want someone to give us? Are we? Or are we just waiting for them to act like this other person we talked to the other day, or their last relationship or whatever the case may be? Because we just feel that that’s just how dudes are gonna act these days.
Dimitrius 1:08:45
So yeah, absolutely. I think it is important to try to just manage our expectations. And our value, well, not so much her boundaries, which is kind of a loss of grace. For people. People are going to be human beings, regardless. And it’s just a matter of just being honest and intentional about what it is you’re seeking.
Dimitrius 1:09:10
I think when you do that, well, in my experience, I know, if I do that everything tends to either fall one way or the other anyway, you make it very clear what you’re looking for. And you’re consistent with that. So, absolutely. So I guess my last question for you, too, is do you feel hopeful about the future of the dating scene for you?
Marquece 1:09:33
I do. I mean, it really starts with you first. Reception changes, from my own experience of learning to love myself first. The struggles and traumas I’ve overcome. I believe when I do find someone, whoever it may be, they will truly love me for me, flaws and all.
Marquece 1:09:56
I really just try not to feel discouraged, which is why I just like I don’t actively seek, like I just kind of just let be, there is someone out there for anyone, everyone. Like, I think the most important thing you can do is just learn from your past and your experiences. And, you know, just comprehend it, like, learn from it grow from it.
Marquece 1:10:22
And when that person comes, like you’ll know, you’ll recognize patterns, you’ll recognize people’s intentions, you’ll read body language pick up on social cues. Like when that person comes the person for you, like you will know.
Xavier 1:10:38
For me, I do have hope for you know, in the dating scene, I think that like, I’m a person, I feel like, you know, the older you get the death, definitely you start to become way more mature and you have more wisdom. So, and I feel like you do go with patience as you get a little bit older.
Xavier 1:10:55
So I’m the sort of person I feel like, you know, I’m gonna be around the right people at the right time for sure. Like, I’m gonna, I feel like if I put out the goodness that I want, and like I give off the energy that I want, I’m going to attract that is going to be reciprocated right back to me. And I feel bad for the people who are obviously always putting down others because they’re never gonna get anywhere they’re gonna keep hitting brick walls.
Xavier 1:11:18
And, and I honestly hate to say but I keep hope I keep hoping they do because the way I can keep all the bad people out for me, keep them away from me. Because I swear, if I literally had like a bad person, like reader, like I would be, life would be so easy, but that’s life. You know, it’s not that way.
Xavier 1:11:35
You have to actually like, again gave everybody the queen size like him like i Why can’t I just like that, but okay, I don’t want to be around you. Even though I don’t even know you’re the part person I completely avoid it. I just need to go around people. I wish I could just, you know, it’s bad people have morons, when people have halos and I just around them. Because my life would literally be so peaceful.
Xavier 1:11:56
I’m very big on protecting my peace, like, anything that gives me any kind of like anxiety or, like really Dysart disturbs me. And I’m super big on self care. I don’t want to be bothered with like, I don’t really like give my energy to anything that I don’t think is giving it back to me. I’m super big. Like, I don’t let a lot bother me.
Xavier 1:12:14
Just because I know that well, you know, I’m not going to mess me up. Because I have a lot more to worry about. I have a lot way better things that are doing much more for me than worrying about some crusty, disgusting rude ads person, whether that’s a friend, whether that’s a relationship, somebody that I’m pursuing in a relationship, whatever the case may be. I’m very big on that.
Marquece 1:12:34
And I will leave it if given the opportunity. I will pull an Irish goodbye.
Xavier 1:12:39
We know we oh my knees. Oh my god. Okay, New York. No, you’re not disturbing. So, yeah. way of getting the last word.
Dimitrius 1:12:59
Oh, okay. I’m actually gonna
Marquece 1:13:07
find out. I have to I have to.
Xavier 1:13:11
We know you. We know you’re that girl?
Dimitrius 1:13:14
Oh. Well, I’ll say personally, I’m never gonna give up on love. And now, I don’t have hope for the trade that I cuts out. Some of those reads are quite vicious as it should be. But, but you know, it. Like I mentioned, I’m not going to give up on love. I know that there is wonderful person out there.
Dimitrius 1:13:41
And it’s just a matter of being at the right place at the right time. And we know the odds are stacked against us in a way and we know that we have to navigate this world differently and people don’t get that don’t understand that. And it’s just a matter of always remind myself like, it seems so impossible, because it’s meant to seem impossible right now, for someone like you.
Dimitrius 1:14:05
It’s meant to seem that way but it’s not it’s just a matter of going out finding your tribe bumping into that person that it’s meant for you and it’s possible of happening could happen before it wouldn’t have happened before if it wasn’t possible.
Xavier 1:14:21
I completely agree. I completely agree with that. Like you know what, hey, you know, it’s finding your tribe but only my person and like we always think it’s not gonna be there but like all all these bad things are happening all you negative horrible people you’re here for a reason, really believes on a tree your leaves on a tree. I’m looking for my roots in tech. Exactly.
