There have been quite a few times when I’ve asked myself, “Why do I love drama?” 

Let’s face it; drama is exciting, and many of us are addicted to it. We watch reality shows, keep up with the latest celebrity gossip, and today’s politics are just civilized WWE matches. Modern entertainment all but glamorizes drama, making us sometimes forget what real life actually looks like.

I received a letter from an anonymous woman whose relationship woes reminded me of my own. As a “recovering drama queen” myself, I could relate to nearly everything she stated, right down to the constant arguing. So, it didn’t take long for me to figure out an answer to her question as well as a plan of action.

Let’s dig in below.

Ms. Drama Queen

Drama Queen Says:

“Hey Dimitrius,

I like to think I’m pretty even-tempered, but something’s changed recently. I’ve been dating someone on and off again who I know is bad for me. My friends, family, even some co-workers have told me I need to leave him alone. 

We started dating right after the pandemic, and I’ll admit I was lonely and a little desperate. Our first date, he even asked me what I “brought to the table.” I should have known right then what was in store for me.

It felt like we never stopped arguing. Every little thing would turn into a debate that he had to win. I can’t count the number of times I’ve stormed off from him only for him to slowly reel me back in. It became addicting, me going off on him and him trying to make amends. I’ve never felt so awful, but it still felt nice at times.

We broke up earlier this year, and I’ve started seeing a new guy recently. He treats me leagues better than Debate Guy. But, even though he treats me well, I still find myself bored with him and miss the excitement from the last relationship. I know I’m wrong for this, but I can’t talk to my friends and family about it anymore because they don’t want to hear it.

Can you tell me why I’m like this?”

Answered: “Why Do I Love Drama?”

Hi Drama Queen,

As a fellow drama queen myself, I can relate to on-and-off again relationships. And while they can be toxic, they can also be weirdly exciting in their own way. It’s the honest truth, though that doesn’t make it any less confusing.

I want to start off by reminding you that I am not a medical professional. I cannot diagnose you or provide you with the same level of analysis a trained professional would. 

All that to say, I ultimately recommend going to a therapist to truly get to the root of why you feel attracted to this particular person’s drama. However, I’m still going to answer your question and provide my initial thoughts. I hope you can make use of them.

You’re Emotionally Immature

Let’s cut right to the chase here. Yearning for something that’s bad for us just for the sake of excitement isn’t a sign of maturity. You have this nice guy who probably does everything you want and more, and you’re still thinking about Mr. Toxic?

Also, I’m 100% positive there’s plenty of excitement to be had with New Guy. It’s just not the kind that you want or are used to, so you view it as “boring.” And here’s the thing; toxicity shouldn’t be exciting in the first place. The prospect of being treated right should excite you, not a former fling you constantly got into shouting matches with.

You’re Bored

Bouncing off of the emotionally immature point, it’s clear you feel under-stimulated. That’s to be expected when coming down from the “high” of your previous rollercoaster of a relationship. Without the constant theatrics, you’re left feeling like something’s missing and don’t know what to do with yourself.

However, there are so many other ways to alleviate boredom. Most social-friendly places are geared towards couples way more than singles. In your case, being bored with your relationship is a choice. You have to want to make it exciting and do something about it.

You Mistake Movies for Real Life

I find a lot of people also take their relationship cues from romance movies and novels. In them, the girl runs off heartbroken due to some misunderstanding. It’s then up to the male protagonist to win her back with some over-the-top romantic gesture. Cue standing outside your window with a 1980s boombox.

Except, real life doesn’t require all that. And it’s not healthy.You don’t need to feel a rollercoaster of emotions just to feel satisfied in a relationship. 

You Want Something Familiar to You

I talked about this in my book, Life After Low Self-Esteem. Pretty much, you’re attracted to this man and his toxicity because the drama is familiar to you. And we love familiarity. 

New guy, while well-intentioned, isn’t what you’re used to yet. His way of loving you is unfamiliar, so you feel like there’s something wrong with it. It’s why so many of us struggle to leave toxic relationships in the first place. We don’t want to leave that sense of comfort behind, even if the situation isn’t truly a comforting one.

You Have Low Self-Esteem

Someone who constantly feels the need to contradict and argue with you usually uses it to chip away at your self-identity. After all, it’s a form of control. They do this to make you question your own intelligence and sense of self. That way, they can eventually pin you down hard enough that you won’t leave them. 

When you have a high sense of self-worth, you recognize that healthy relationships, while not as “exciting” as toxic ones, have better long-term effects.You feel better, radiate more confidence, and you feel more secure. There’s no walking on eggshells, constantly questioning the other person’s feelings, etc. You know where you stand, whether they affirm it or not. 

“Why Do I Love Drama?” Next Steps

Now that we understand the why, let’s focus on the solutions. Thankfully, there’s plenty of ways to overcome your love of drama. Some methods to move on from your toxic relationship include:

Accepting Yourself

I’ve said before that healing shouldn’t come from a place of shame. However, it’s important to accept your addiction to toxicity and drama in relationships to move forward.

Building Your Support Network

Another way to alleviate the boredom in your life is to reconnect with your support system. And, if you don’t have one, now’s the perfect time to start making new connections with people who uplift and encourage you. 

Reflecting On Patterns

Before you can grow out of unhealthy habits, you need to know exactly what they are. For example, you can consider what attracted you to your ex to begin with and whether or not this attraction has happened before.

Setting Boundaries

Moving on from toxicity means drawing a line in the sand to let people know what you will and won’t accept. Clearly define what your relationship non-negotiables are and stick to them.

Seeking Professional Help

A therapist can further guide you through the above points plus so much more! They’re trained to help you identify patterns of behavior and develop healthy ways to cope. 

And while I cannot give you medical advice, I can say I’ve been in your shoes more than once. The common denominator for me was a low sense of self-worth. I wasn’t consciously aware of it at first, but subconsciously I was seeking out toxic relationships because they excited me. 

However, through a lot of self-reflection (and some handy self-esteem worksheets), I was able to identify my patterns and start setting better boundaries. I did this not only with potential suitors but with myself as well. 

So, hopefully, this answers the question of “Why do I love drama?” Don’t let your current relationship pass you by just because you can’t see the fireworks yet. They’re well on their way, but make sure you’re ready to see them for what they are.