If you’re as chronically (perhaps even terminally) online as I am, you’ve noticed it. People want to normalize being rude and brutal. Yet, kindness is already hard to come by. Why do people want to be mean instead?

At the time of writing, the trend is confined to a loud minority on the Internet. Yet, we can’t underestimate how fringe movements often become mainstream. We shouldn’t ignore what appears to be a growing sentiment, that kindness is fake and unnecessary. 

So, let’s explore what it means to be mean, why people turn out that way, and what people can do about it.

What Does It Mean to be Mean?

When we describe someone as mean, we usually define it as a person who regularly exhibits unkind behavior. A mean person will purposefully say or do something that hurts someone else. 

Mean behavior is intentional. That’s the key component. People who are mean purposefully seek out ways to hurt feelings or, in some cases, physically harm others. 

Examples of Mean Behavior

There’s honestly too many examples of mean behavior. It’s a little depressing. However, common examples include:

• Making fun of someone’s appearance.
• Calling someone names and putting them down. 
• Backhanded compliments.
• Being physically aggressive. 
• Purposefully excluding someone from social gatherings unprovoked.
• Mocking people’s errors or shortcomings.
• Bullying.

Again, the common denominator is the deliberate need to put others down in some way. 

Difference Between Mean and Rude

Unkindness and rudeness often get mixed up. However, they’re not interchangeable. You can be kind and still do something that’s considered rude. 

Tipping, for instance, is considered an act of kindness in the US. In other countries, though, the practice is seen as rude and disrespectful. 

So, while rudeness can definitely coexist with unkindness, they’re not the same.

Is Being Mean Wrong?

If you’re purposefully mean all the time, absolutely. A healthy, well-adjusted person doesn’t go around intentionally causing harm to others.

However, we can’t forget nuance. Not all people who exhibit mean behavior enjoy being unkind. In fact, they’d rather avoid resorting to being mean altogether if they could.

Unfortunately, either due to how they were treated in the past or because of unique demographic circumstances (women who encounter creepy men, this is for you), they feel like they have no choice. Their meanness is their way of defending themselves against their aggressors. 

Are Mean People Mentally Stronger?

We can’t deny that mean people excel at getting ahead in the workplace, politics, or even in family dynamics. Yet, this success can usually only be accessed and sustained through bullying and intimidating others. 

So, outwardly, they may appear successful. Yet, on the inside, they may struggle with self-loathing and fostering meaningful connections. 

When looking at strength of character, kind-yet-assertive people are difficult to beat. A person who is able to display empathy and set appropriate boundaries will always outclass a mean person in this regard. 

Ultimately, someone with a healthy sense of self won’t feel the need to be mean to get ahead. They know it’s possible to achieve their goals by being reasonably polite, cooperative, and assertive. 

So Why Do People Want to be Mean?

When people want to be mean, it’s primarily because they want to exert power over others. They view kindness as a weakness and something to be exploited. This can lead to a worldview centered around personal gain over healthy cooperation. 

Are There More Reasons?

Of course! These include:

• Negative childhood experiences.
• The desire to “fit in.”
• A means of coping with stress.
• A defense mechanism against a perceived threat.

My Favorite Word: Self-Esteem

It all boils down to a low sense of self-worth. I know I come across as the Self-Esteem Wizard (™), but this is where it starts. 

People with underlying issues with their self-esteem can become blinded to the world around them. They begin to view it through the lens of their own self-loathing. 

For example, a person may not like themselves and feel they don’t deserve kindness. This could manifest as a belief that kindness is simply a performance. So, they begin interacting with others in a harsh, negative manner as a way of “combating” their inner self-talk. 

Let’s Talk About Empathy

Empathy plays a pivotal role when it comes to kindness vs. meanness. Since empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, its absence can lead to hurtful behavior. 

The Bad News

Unfortunately, empathy is on the decline. People who lack empathy face difficulty understanding the emotions of others. When someone can’t understand someone else’s emotions or lived experiences, they can belittle, dismiss, or even antagonize the group they struggle to connect with.

We see this currently with the rise of racism, misogyny, and anti-LGBTQ sentiments in society. People are increasingly losing the ability to show compassion for people who don’t look or think like them. 

Empathy as a Skill

Also, don’t forget that empathy has to be learned and requires practice. With the advent of social media, regular users can find themselves feeling disconnected from others. Even if they interact with dozens of avatars on these Internet platforms, it won’t always feel the same as face-to-face interactions. 

And, when you can’t put a true face on someone or a group of people, you eventually lose the ability to form meaningful, human connections with them. This can lead to people struggling to bond with others in real life or to see marginalized groups in a humane light instead of the dehumanizing talking points they encounter online.

What Can Mean People Do About Their Self-Esteem?

Start with learning about assertiveness. There’s a way to be firm without being aggressive or rude. Many people view interactions through a binary of “passive” or “aggressive.” You’re either strong and bully your way through life, or you’re a “weak” member of society who gets bullied. 

However, you can stand up for yourself without being aggressive or intentionally harmful. Assertiveness involves clearly and respectfully expressing your emotions while respecting the emotions and boundaries of others.
If you want to learn how to put assertiveness into practice, check out my free self-esteem worksheets. You can also find tips for boundary-setting and challenging negative self-talk.