It seems like you only have two choices these days: being a nice pushover or being a bully. Yet, there’s always been a middle ground geared toward mature interactions. So, why does assertiveness scare people?

Let’s face it; we live in polarizing times. As a result, we tend to think in binary extremes, leaving little ground for nuanced modes of expression. Yet, it’s still important to know when expressing ourselves can become toxic. 

Keep reading to learn what assertiveness is, how to put it into practice, and why we’re so scared of it. 

What is Assertiveness?

Assertive behavior showcases an individual’s ability to advocate for themselves in a calm, clear manner while respecting the emotions and boundaries of others. Assertive people stand up for themselves without disregarding emotions or bullying. 

The goal of assertiveness maintains a focus on cooperation. Assertive people want to get along with others instead of ruling over them or being walked all over. However, they understand the need for boundaries and aren’t afraid to set them.

Examples of Assertiveness

Not everyone has heard of assertiveness, so they may not know what it looks like. Thankfully there’s plenty of common examples, such as:

• Politely declining an invitation.
• Letting others speak without interrupting.
• Calmly yet firmly setting boundaries.
• Direct eye contact.
• Disagreeing without putting someone down.
• Clearly stating their wants and needs.
• Open and upright posture, indicating confidence.

The key here is being able to be firm yet calm and respectful. Assertive people understand that being fair also includes being fair to themselves. 

Assertive, Passive, and Aggressive

Outside of assertiveness, most people fall into one of three communication styles. These are known as passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive. It’s important to understand their unique traits and how assertiveness differs from them.

Passive

Passive communicators, or “people-pleasers” as some call them, tend to put the needs of others before their own. They do not speak up when wronged, and their overall demeanor projects timidity. 

Passive communicators don’t believe their feelings are important. They can struggle with feeling inferior or disrespected by others. However, they may not believe there’s anything they can do about it. 

Passive-Aggressive

Unlike passiveness, passive-aggressive people do feel like they can do something about it. However, they aren’t as upfront as aggressive or assertive communicators. Passive-aggression operates in stealth, and common examples include:

• Disguising insults as compliments.
• Silent treatment. 
• Gossiping.
• Sulking yet denying any negative feelings.

Passive-aggressive people don’t directly express themselves. They use indirect methods, expecting others to catch on to hints and cues instead of clearly voicing their feelings or opinions.

Aggressive

While passive-aggressive people can be bullies as well, aggressiveness is the poster child. Aggressive communicators disrespect, belittle, and overpower others. There’s no room for considering people’s feelings, only ensuring theirs remain intact. 

Aggressive people come across as strong, but they still struggle with self-esteem and emotional maturity. Their sense of superiority often comes at the cost of alienating and harming others. 

Why Does Assertiveness Scare People?

There’s multiple ways to answer this depending on specific viewpoints. First, you have people who are scared to be assertive. Then, you have people who are intimidating by assertiveness.

Why People are Afraid to be Assertive

Assertiveness requires confidence and emotional maturity. Standing up for yourself takes a lot of courage, and doing so in a calm, respectful tone requires maturity. 

So, naturally, people who are fearful and struggle with their self-worth view it as an agonizing practice. When you’re used to being bullied, taking a more calm, mature approach can seem intimidating at first.

Why Assertiveness Intimidates Others

As mentioned earlier, we’re accustomed to a “bullies vs. bullied” culture. “Standing up for yourself” often resembles bullying because it operates from a place of aggression. 

So, when someone uses assertive communication, it can throw people off. Passive and passive-aggressive people may view it as aggressive even if the person is calm and respectful. 

Likewise, an aggressive person may feel threatened by an assertive person being able to express themselves. This is because the assertive individual doesn’t have to resort to bulldozing others to get their way.

How to be Assertive

Now that the “Why does assertiveness scare people?” question is less of a mystery, let’s see how we can apply it to every day life. While you can start using assertive communication styles today, standing up for yourself is a skill. And with every skill, you’ll need to hone and refine it as you build yourself up. 

Self-Confidence

Self-confidence lies at the root of assertiveness. If you’re struggling with insecurities and low self-worth, you can end up preventing yourself from becoming more assertive. 

The primary key to increasing self-confidence lies with self-awareness. Self-aware people are honest with themselves, including strengths and areas of improvement. And, through this honesty, they reach a place of self-acceptance and eventually…self-confidence.

Lead With Empathy

If you want someone to understand your point of view, you should try to understand theirs as well, right? If we can’t put ourselves in each others’ shoes, it stifles our ability to cooperate. 

We all have our bad days, and we all make mistakes. However, we still need to be informed when we’ve done something harmful. And it’s okay to be expected to correct ourselves and avoid negative behaviors.

Focus on the Behavior

People get defensive when you call them out. That’s just human nature. However, focus on specific actions and behaviors instead of the individual. This will help prevent the conversation from disintegrating. 

Think about it. If someone opens up a conversation by telling you that you’re selfish with little context, won’t you feel slighted? However, calling out a specific behavior frames it as something that doesn’t have to define them as a person. 

As a result, they won’t feel inclined to take it as a character assassination. Rather, they will take it as something they did (intentional or not) that had a negative impact on someone else. 

Express the Expectation

Now, it’s time to set the expectation. Once you’ve expressed how the other person’s behavior has affected you, calmly explain what needs to change. 

Perhaps your friend is always late. You would express to them that you feel anxious and fearful when you have to wait alone in crowded spaces. Your expectation is that you need your friend to show up on time if they agree to plans.

Utilize the “I” Statement

Many of us avoid conflict because it usually devolves into the blame game. That’s why it’s important to stick to “I” statements. 

“I” statements focus on expressing your feelings without blaming and accusing. We all have different perspectives, and misunderstandings happen. Using “I” statements fosters an environment of understanding rather than a battlefield.

An example of an “I” statement is, “When you’re late to our meetups, I feel anxious and fearful, because I’m often left alone in crowded spaces. I would like for you to be on time if you agree to plans.”

Listen to Understand

If you’re only listening to respond, you’re missing the point. Allow the other person to express their side and actively listen to what they’re saying. 

This allows a dialogue where both parties can come to an agreement or a compromise. It also allows you to communicate how the problem will be addressed if it happens again.

Putting it Into Practice

So, assertiveness doesn’t scare you after all. Great! Thankfully, you can start being more assertive right now, if you want. 

As mentioned earlier, mastering assertiveness takes time. We’re human beings who, on our best days, still stumble through social interactions with others. What’s important is giving yourself grace as you begin to express yourself more assertively. 

Now that we can put the “Why does assertiveness scare people?” question to bed, let’s get busy! To learn more about practicing assertiveness, check out my free self-esteem worksheets.